Gary Johnson Climbs in Polls as Voters Identify with Lack of Knowledge, Interest in International Affairs
By: Rush N. Spyze
WHITEFISH, MT: Following his latest gaffe, Governor Gary Johnson’s numbers have jumped as Americans find they relate closely to his ignorance of foreign governments, geography, and conflicts. Experts claim that Johnson’s incompetence has resonated: as stated by political analyst Sharon Goldstein, “There are many voters who have become intimidated by politicians who have, or at least pretend to have, an inkling of what they’re talking about.”
“Look, Gary knows what he’s doing. I mean, the guy ran Arizona,” asserted Shelley O’Reilly, of Whitefish, Montana, misidentifying the state Johnson governed. “But when he forgot who that Aleppo chick was, I knew he was the guy for me!” She continued, chewing a mouthful of bison balls, “C’mon, just lookit Trump Monday night, actin’ all like he knew this Poutine guy, from Canada I guess… I’mtellinya he’s a phony, and Hillary’s worse.”
However, while Johnson is securing votes from the “Oblivious and Apathetic” voting bloc, voters who identify as “Stridently Delusional” are still breaking hard for Donald Trump. According to Goldstein, “These are the people who have heard of some names and places, but reject any intellectual process that might accompany them. They live in perpetual fear of gay nuclear jihadi commie Mexicans, whereas Johnson appeals to those who don’t know what any of those words mean.”
Hoping to capitalize on his newfound appeal, Johnson has promised that, as President, he will appoint Sarah Palin as Ambassador to Russia and a Deer-Caught-in-Headlights as Secretary of State.