Cubs Attribute Victory to Local Fan’s Insistence on Wearing Lucky Underwear
By: Bismo Falcor
Following their historic World Series victory over the Cleveland Indians, the Chicago Cubs finally acknowledged that their victory had less to do with hard work, determination, and preparation, and more to do with 41 year old man Dave Wilmer’s unwillingness to change his boxer briefs throughout the final three games of the series.
“Down there on the field, everyone was so emotional. Teammates were thanking each other, a lot of them were thanking God,” said Ben Zobrist, the World Series MVP. He continued, “However, once the dust settled, and the next day everything had sank in, we realized that the true hero was Dave Wilmer. His insistence on wearing the same crusty undergarments is undoubtedly the reason we won.”
Dave Wilmer, a resident of Deerfield, IL, was absolutely ecstatic. Not only did his favorite team win, but he was being hailed as the hero. “I don’t know, I’ve had them for what feels like forever, but I put them on before attending game 5. When they won 3-2, I knew I was on to something, and I also knew I could never take them off.” He continued, scratching his backside, “It definitely wasn’t easy, especially when I shit all over them in the fifth inning after that wild pitch drove in two runs, but I knew I didn’t have a choice.”
Following the revelation this past Thursday, Wilmer’s soiled undergarments were shipped off to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, where they are set to be displayed next to the jockstrap Anthony Rizzo wore during the game’s final inning.