Indiana University Football Player Suspended from Team after Receiving A on Exam
By: Barry Vile
After receiving a solid A this past week on his finite exam, Indiana University’s backup quarterback Mike Austin was suspended from the team for “not living up to team expectations,” as stated by head coach, Kevin Wilson.
“I can’t believe one of our players took the time out of his schedule to actually study for one of his classes,” said Wilson. “It’s as if he doesn’t give a single damn about our team. We’re supposed to be a family and support each other, but he seems to think that means studying instead of bonding with his teammates naked in an ice bath for 2 hours after practice. Maybe if players were more committed, we would have actually beaten Penn State.”
When asked about the decision to prioritize athletics over academics, Austin revealed he has always enjoyed school. “I always tried to balance my schoolwork with my sports playing,” Austin said. “I actually wanted to be an engineer until my dad signed me up for the football team after seeing his own regrets and missed opportunities in me during 5th grade.” When asked for his thoughts on the suspension, starting quarterback Richard Lagow was only able to quickly say, “I think that…” before being called a pussy by his trainer and told to run a lap.
Flipside also received a formal apology from Austin directed to his teammates, saying he is “very sorry for letting the team down” and that he “hopes they won’t gorilla glue his ass together again.”