New Study Reveals Bullying Affects Losers Hardest
By: Jonathan Pollock
WICHITA FALLS, TX — A recent study in the prestigious journal Suck It, Nerd! Quarterly has found that, contrary to popular opinion, losers suffer the most at the hands of bullies.
“After careful analysis of hundreds of bullying incidents, we’ve found that, regardless of age, education level, race, ethnicity, gender, socioeconomic status, geography, leisure activities, sex, and virginity, being a loser means you are significantly more likely to be a victim of bullying,” stated Dr. Richard Wang, who nervously glanced over towards his associate, Nelson “Atomic Wedgie” Brunel, throughout our interview.
“Cut with the geek speak, Wang – ha, Wang – tell the man what you told me,” said Mr. Brunel as he slammed his fist on the table.
“F-F-Furthermore, those losers will, we found, suffer the most at the fis-hands of bullies,” continued Dr. Wang, visibly jumping at his colleague’s gesture.
School officials across the nation reported feelings of glee and lightheartedness at the study’s findings.
“We’ve been running these anti-bullying campaigns for over a decade,” says Dr. Oak N. Switch, superintendent of Fairway United County Schools. “We’re all tired of defending these kids against the psychological and physical toll that bullying can exact. FUCS just doesn’t have anything more to give. This study means I can finally sit back in my chair and do even less work for more than double the salary of those lazy-ass teachers.”
“Honestly, I always thought most of those kids were losers anyways. I say ‘good riddance.’”
New lines of inquiry include the torque required for the perfect purple nurple and the likelihood that you will stop hitting yourself.