Local Students Switch From Alcohol to Meth in Effort to Support Local Business
BLOOMINGTON , IN – With Little 500 on the horizon, businesses are expecting a significant financial windfall as students and alumni celebrate the greatest college weekend in America. With a thriving bar and nightlife scene that often dominates the weekend however, many hoosiers have voiced their concerns over the restaurant chains taking away from the true backbone of Bloomington.
“Indiana is built upon the labor of hard-working tweakers,” said IU alum and self identified party animal Brad Steinbeck. “Kilroy’s thinks that it is the heart of Bloomington culture, but I don’t think there is anything quite like seeing two homeless guys shake hands suspiciously in People’s Park, knowing that one of them is gonna have the time of his life that night. I know where I’m getting my good times on April 22.”
“We’ve been preparing all semester” said Freek Dad-E, amateur chemist and full time entrepreneur. “To get enough ingredients for this size of a batch we’ve had to clear out every single Walmart, Target, and CVS within 50 miles. We normally don’t go to this amount of effort, but when some of the most successful graduates in the nation are buying from us, having a satisfied customer who won’t call the cops is our number one priority.”
In preparation for the big weekend, Freek Dad-E has since unveiled two brand new products to commemorate the bike race, a bold white mix he calls “Cream” and a dark red version called “Crimson”, the latter of which Dad-E referred to as being “some good shit. Some really good shit.”