Little 5 Just Another Week for McNutt Residents
By: Winston Nochill
BLOOMINGTON, IN – Many students have already begun celebrating the annual Little 500 week, with students of all majors, backgrounds, and drink preferences joining together to spend as little time sober as possible. Typically marking a week that students operate quite differently from their usual lives, several residents of the McNutt dormitory proudly claimed that they were continuing to operate on the same schedules to which they are already accustomed.
“We drink a lot,” slurred McNutt resident Will Barton. “If we were to drink any differently this week, really only one of two things would happen. Either we drink less and spend the entire week so hungover we miss the race, or we drink more and die. As college students, we really have found the perfect way to have fun. It’s about a .09 BAC level.”
Heavily intoxicated McNutt RA John Pinkston has noted that of all the dorms, McNutt was often the easiest to keep tabs on during the week known for its rampant debauchery. “When you average 1.7 ambulances per night, you get to be pretty good at handling drunk college students,” Pinkston said as he reached for a handrail to steady himself. “All my other RA friends keep asking for advice on how to handle the surge of students hiding alcohol. I always remind them to make sure everyone is sleeping on their sides in case they vomit. You gotta’ be responsible,” he added between burps.
The university has since announced that McNutt will be presented the first ever “Dorm of the Year” award before this year’s race. The award will be accepted by Pinkston on behalf of the LLC this Saturday at 1:00 a.m., following his 12:30 a.m. round of delivering freshmen to the emergency room to have their stomachs pumped.