Former ATO Members to Host “Little-er 500” for Banned Greek Houses
By: Jonathan Pollock
BLOOMINGTON, IN — With the women’s Little 500 race almost here, former members of Greek society Alpha Tau Omega have announced they will be hosting the Delts, Tri Delts, and Phi Psi in their own collegiate athletic competition dubbed the “Little-er 500.” The events will include an eating competition, a joint relay race, roofie roulette, and a sprint to be the first team to completely evacuate campus.
“I think I’m looking forward to the eating contest the most,” said former ATO brother Bradley White. “We’ve spent a lot of time practicing and I think our form is pretty solid at this point. There’ll be mattresses, right?” The eating competition, a Little-er 500 tradition since 2016, involves a race to the finish of a pile of approximately 200 fat, juicy clams, all donated by Bloomington’s own Night Moves. Following the speed-eating event, the various organizations will see who can be first to finish a series of blunts made from “the best shit $20 can buy.”
“The handoff is KEY on the Little Fatty,” advised Phi Psi competitor Eric Buchanan, a sentiment that was echoed by members of all former Greek organizations in attendance. “Too fast, you’re liable to snuff it out. Too slow, and you’re just leaving quality product on the table, a crime punishable by ritualistic paddling.”
After the two races will be roofie roulette, a betting game where each team tries to take as many shots as possible without getting drugged and being unable to account for the next 9 hours of their lives. The final event will then immediately follow, with each organization having 24 hours to evacuate their current places of residence and find temporary housing for the rest of the semester.
“My prediction for the eviction competition?” said onlooker Carlos Johnson between pulls from his very conspicuous thermos. “TriDelts in dead last. But it’s no big deal – they need the practice.”