Calm Down, Brett: Four Ways to Remind Brett that it’s Just Intramurals
By: Gary Goldwater
Brett is on another competition-induced rampage. He just proclaimed that if he had a time machine, he would use it to kill one of the referee’s distant ancestors. Oh, crap…. Did he just apply eye black? Someone needs to stop him now. You decide to step in, but what do you say? Well, here’s four ways to remind Brett that it’s just intramurals:
1. Remind him of the last time he got out of hand
Remind Brett of last season’s meltdown, when he threw a cooler of Gatorade at a diabetic referee because he thought the referee was “acting like a bitch” because of low blood sugar. Nobody even knew how he found out the referee was diabetic. This time, if he gets bad enough, revoke his iPad privileges.
2. Use a limerick
Brett loves limericks. He isn’t exactly well-versed in the art of poetry, but he does love it. If you get this right, he’ll be too satisfied with your respect for structure, rhythm, and rhyme to be angry. You can use this one:
There once was a crazed dude named Brett
Always on the verge of regret
With deep-rooted rage
Lock him in a cage
Or a federal cell he’ll get.
3. Have a heart to heart
Remember that he’s a human, not an animal. He is acting out like this for a reason. Take him aside, and let him vent about his father’s emotional distance and highly conditional love. Tell him it will be okay, and remind him to just be himself.
4. Activate his shock collar
If none of the previous methods work, you must resort to plan D. The man must be tamed. Besides, you paid good money for that shock collar, and you spent two hours convincing Brett that he’s wearing it for a good reason. For the sake of the team, you are obligated to use it.