By: Chip MountGummery and Bismo Falcor

SILICON VALLEY – Despite the obvious fact that technological advancements in the field of transportation are occurring at an exponential rate, the executives at Segway Inc. are still somehow convinced that they are leading the charge into the future.

“We at Segway believe that the effortless movement provided by our product is the only way forward,” said CEO of Segway Inc. Rufus Charlson, as he pulled 50 informational pamphlets out of his fanny pack. “Segways are incredibly accessible, very mobile, and the ladies LOVE them. They come in a wide variety of colors, and we even offer an American flag wrap, so you can represent the greatest country on earth, in style!” he exclaimed as his wife popped her third aspirin.

Head engineer Orville Wonderberg, also discussed some of the future plans for the “world famous” dicycle.

“Our latest project is developing a Segway that is capable of being driven on interstate highways,” Wonderberg excitedly told reporters. “It will be powered by an inline Kawasaki motorcycle engine that will be able to take this bad boy from 0-60 in 3.2 seconds. Fun fact: you can fit up to 32 of these puppies in the space a normal car takes up. How’s that for environmentally friendly?”

However, the Segway still has its detractors, including billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk, who has yet to fall for the company’s plans.

“I guess they’re pretty handy for getting around my 20,248 sq. ft. home, but unless they can get me from San Francisco to Los Angeles in 35 minutes going 700 mph and they give a good blowjob, I’m not interested,” said Musk before leaving in his solar-powered self-driving car.

At press time, the executives at Segway Inc. were seen preparing their third attempt at being featured on the television show Shark Tank.