15 Ways to Drop Off the Grid After Your Mom Finds Out You Failed Your Midterm
So you didn’t go to class for a 2 weeks and it turns out that was pretty important for passing your midterms. Or maybe you went to class the whole time and it just turns out you weren’t cut out for a degree in Underwater Basket Weaving. Either way, your parents are asking about your exams, and nobody wants to deal with the fallout of telling them how you just wasted a couple thousand of their dollars. Here are our top picks for making sure you don’t have to confront your parents about school, or anything, ever again.
1. Ride the 9 bus until you get kicked off in the middle of nowhere. Walk into the sunset, and don’t look back.
2. Expose your frat’s hazing rituals and join the Witness Protection Program
3. Join Caving Club
4. Swap your phone with an international student and wait for them to fly back home for break
5. Go to Uganda to save the child soldiers
6. Sit in the Denny’s parking lot at 4:00 a.m. and wait for the inevitable
7. Send your credit card info to the Nigerian prince that keeps emailing you for help
8. Delete all forms of social media except Whisper, then drop your phone into Lake Monroe
9. Post a Craigslist ad that lists your address
10. Go on a Chinese Tourism trip to North Korea
11. Hide in Dunn Woods. Make a suit of mud and leaves. Become the new Bloomington Cryptid.
12. Become the new IU Hoosier mascot
13. Upload your consciousness to a cicada and live in a bush
14. Fake your death by launching a realistic looking mannequin off the roof of Eigenmann, then pitch a tent in the Wright service elevator.
15. Refile your HIPAA agreement so your mom can’t see your grades. You don’t have to overthink fucking everything. Maybe this is why you failed your midterm.