Student Low on Meal Points Takes Bite out of IMU Gingerbread House
By: Jonathan Pollack
BLOOMINGTON, IN — Last night, IUPD apprehended Jimmy Johnson, a local freshman who was caught taking a giant bite out of the corner of the IMU gingerbread house.
“What we have here is criminal vandalism on unparalleled levels. Not only did the suspect deface a beautiful work of modern architecture, he also destroyed the private residence of Tony and Ginger Breadman. The department is investigating whether or not there is sufficient evidence to charge the suspect with a hate crime.”
“We were just sitting at home watching Shrek, when all of a sudden I heard this crunching sound,” said Mr. Breadman. He continued, “I also believe our house was specifically targeted because of the way we were baked. Do you see people biting holes in human roofs? There is no doubt in my mind it’s because we’re Breadmen.”
“It’s bad enough RPS is charging us on-campus housing prices, but now this?” said Mrs. Breadman.
Following the attack, the entire student body was alerted to the crime via an IU Notify alert sent hours after the crime as per the Clery Act, and the IMU was evacuated.
When asked for comment, Johnson instantly admitted guilt, but claimed he was low on meal points and didn’t think it was that big of a deal.
Mr. & Mrs. Breadman were shocked by Johnson’s callousness and lack of remorse.
“First they take a bite out of our house – next thing you know, they’ll be selling us down the hall in a bakery.”