Frustrated God Temporarily Revokes Area Man’s Free Will
By: Bismo Falcor
BLOOMINGTON, IN — Following a series of outrageously stupid decisions, God has announced he will be temporarily suspending Junior Brad Heyward’s right to free will.
“I’ve witnessed a lot of blunders, from marching into Russia during wintertime, to putting mayonnaise on hot dogs, but I have always maintained that it is crucial to allow people to make mistakes for themselves,” said God. He continued, “But in my infinite years of running the universe, I have never seen anybody make as many boneheaded mistakes as Brad. My only option was to take the wheel for a while.”
The decision from God arrives mere minutes after Brad, thinking he was spraying air freshener, accidentally coated his bathroom in shaving cream. Not 2 days earlier, Brad showed off his Pokemon card collection on a first date.
“Look, I did my best to give him as many opportunities as possible, but no matter how hard I tried, he managed to mess it up! I dropped 2 tickets to the upcoming IU basketball game for him to find, and when he did, he not only drove to the wrong IU campus (Kokomo), but he got lost on the way there! Three hours later he was strolling around the Martinsville Wal-Mart at 3:00 a.m. wearing a Hillary Clinton t-shirt. I was so sick and tired of bailing him out; I realized it would just be easier if I took over. It would give him a chance to get his life in order, and recover from that brutal beating in the Wal-Mart parking lot.”
According to Flipside reporters, Brad’s roommate, Cliff Sanford, was also getting tired of Brad’s poor decision-making.
“Look, I love the guy like a brother, but there are times where I seriously regret living with him. Yesterday, I realized the TV wouldn’t turn on because he replaced the batteries in the remote with Cheeto puffs, and you have no idea how many times I’ve rescued him from microwaving Tide Pods thinking they were pizza rolls. He’s not a stupid person–I’ve had great conversations with him– but he can be so absent-minded sometimes, I think God made the right call for once.” said Cliff.
At press time, Heyward was singing hymns and wearing white robes as he cleaned the shaving cream off his bathroom walls.