IU Researchers Discover Earth has Reached Perfect Levels of Global Warming
By: Bismo Falcor and Ariel Gold
BLOOMINGTON, IN — Following two spectacular 70 degree days in the middle of February, a team of IU environmental science researchers discovered that Earth has reached perfect levels of global warming.
“While it is clear that the rate of greenhouse gases being released into the air is problematic, our findings show that at this exact moment right now, our planet is actually much better than it’s ever been,” said lead researcher Dr. Peter McMillan, as he tossed a frisbee to his cohort in Woodlawn field on Monday. He continued, “I mean, look at this weather; it’s gorgeous! Before environmental pollution ramped up, days like this in February would have been impossible!”
Student environmental activist Kelsey Snowden was shocked and pleasantly surprised by the report. “I’ve been fighting global warming for the past 3 years here, but honestly, such a wonderful day like today is making me question just how important my work really is. I mean, it’s such a wonderful feeling to go outside without wearing a coat!”
However, climate change deniers were furious about the release of this report, as they lined up around the SPEA building, and protested the research while bundled up in heavy winter coats and scarves.
A leader of the protest, Daniel Johnson, stated, “This is just more nonsense that scientists can’t agree on,” Johnson said, his voice muffled by his scarf. “After one 40 degree day in August, they will be ranting about global cooling.”
In the end, Dr. McMillan was quick to note that while the weather outside was perfect now, any further greenhouse gas emissions could send the entire natural world into chaos, as early as Thursday morning.
“If the entire international community does not agree unanimously to cease all greenhouse gas emissions, literally tomorrow, all hell will break loose,” he said, still holding the frisbee. “I’m talking about daily hurricanes racking Florida, earthquakes sending California into the Pacific Ocean, and brush-fires destroying what’s left of the Great Plains.”
“But for now, it’s great to have a nice, sunny day outside.”