Op-Ed: What I Learned During My Summer Internship at ISIS
By: Nasal Schumaker
This past summer I had the amazing opportunity to intern as a part of the business operations department at ISIS. For those who may be unfamiliar, ISIS is the glorious Islamic Caliphate of Iraq and the Sham, which is being reborn from the ashes of the Old World.
As a student in the Kelley School of Business at Indiana University, I was seeking a top-tier employer with an international presence, so that I would be able to network with people across cultural boundaries. Seeking a terrorist organization with a global influence seemed like it would be my best bet! However, I knew I had to be careful about who I picked. My friends who were interning for Boko Haram would often complain about their lack of professionalism, especially in cases of hostage negotiations. Luckily, I believe I made the right choice.
As an intern at ISIS, I was able to collaborate on team-projects, including mediating the transaction of bomb materials from the Basque region of Northern Spain to the Horn of Africa, and aiding in the explosive event a few months ago that glorified the rebirth of the Caliphate. My presentation and analytical skills that Kelley taught me proved invaluable in my ascent to the upper echelons of the ISIS hierarchy.
In addition to utilizing my soft skills, I was also able to showcase my Microsoft Office mastery. Using the Microsoft Access skills I learned in K 201, I was able to more efficiently pull from their database of heretics to assist in the process of picking which prisoners we were going to behead that day. The processing time for execution was slashed from 3 hours to mere minutes. No matter what problem was thrown at me, I knew I had the skills to complete the task.
In the end, this was a truly incredible experience. I would like to thank all of my wonderful Kelley professors, my mentors, and everyone who funneled money into my Swiss trust fund that paid for this amazing experience. The Kelley Effect is definitely real, and it absolutely works.