American Red Cross Begins Liver Donation Campaign Ahead of Little 500
By: Fredrick Venus and Bismo Falcor
BLOOMINGTON–Last Thursday, the American Red Cross announced a new campaign for liver donations in preparation for Little 500.
“As an organization, it is our duty to provide for the community in times of crisis,” said program creator Dr. Victor White. “Right now, as Little 500 approaches, our organization will stay true to our founding principles, combating crises before they occur.”
This project started after Red cross data analysts spent hours sorting through data, and discovered that liver damage was actually at its highest during Little 500 weekend.
When asked for comment President McRobbie stated, “Thank goodness the Red Cross stepped in. Last year, we had students lined up out the door on stretchers waiting for new livers, but the Red Cross was just too busy in Yemen to help out. We are so grateful they’ve come to their senses.”
The head of the Little 500 Planning Committee, Martin Green, expressed gratitude for the Red Cross’s efforts. “So many lives are cut short due to liver injuries this time of year. I was shocked when I found out the dangers to the liver associated with biking, but I’m glad the Red Cross stepped up to address this issue.”
Green went on to explain that liver damage from bicycle related injuries had personal significance. “Four years ago, I lost my son to a liver-related injury, he was such a good kid, a cyclist for his fraternity, I was distraught when his fraternity brothers drunkenly called me to let me know about his liver failure, from cycling of course. I had seen him just a few hours earlier, enjoying himself at Kilroy’s after the race. I just never realized that it could take hours to show symptoms of bike related liver injuries.”
Green, spearheading this campaign, encouraged riders to speak about their concerns over the health risks of biking. “Uuh, crashes can happen at any time,” said competitor Brad Schumaker as he pounded shots of espresso. “We are biking very close to each other, and all week long we will be practicing in teams. Of course, some of our team-building exercises can be really hard on the liver.”
The Red Cross has since announced that they are also adding a liver operation to future football games as well, due to the high volume of liver injuries that occur before the game.