By: Cleetus Haversham

BLOOMINGTON, IN – After moving from his dorm in Teter to an off-campus apartment, sophomore Lucas Redding finds himself struggling to sleep without his roommate’s loud nightly masturbation.

It’s just hard to feel fully relaxed without my roommate loudly jacking off on the other side of the room,” says Redding, about his former roommate of Gregory Wallace. “Without the sound of him waxing his weiner, I can’t get to sleep with the same regularity I had last year I’ve had to resort to a white noise machine and sleeping pills ever since.”

Students returning to Wallace’s floor found themselves having similar thoughts.“It’s kind of a tradition,” says Junior Jose Juarez, “He does this loud grunt at around 9. At 10, it’s more of a sustained moan that ends with a ‘squelch’ by midnight. The regularity is very soothing. I never know what a given day might bring, but I know every night Greg will be loudly brushing his bronco with his roommate in the same room.”

“I always found it so generous of him to share his pleasure with the dorm floor,” says RA Josie Stewart. “In fact, I actually envy his roommate’s ability to be so close to this rousing performance. It’s a shame he’s gone, and I hope Lucas finds a new way of getting to sleep.”

According to Redding, his roommate man-handling his man-bits helped him distract him from his love life. “Usually, I would get into bed and toss and turn, thinking about how I might never be loved. But living with Greg for a year taught me that I can love myself.”