By: Sutton Lee Seymour, Jake Spear, Bismo Falcor<\/p>\n
In a forgotten classroom in the basement of Sycamore Hall, a humble public and oral communications professor sits at his desk, ferociously flipping through his notes. Some speculate that this man is more than 3000 years old and wiser than most biblical figures. His name is John Arthos.<\/p>\n
Born in Ancient Greece, Arthos\u2019 birth was anything but ordinary. Springing forth from the head of the goddess Athena, fully grown, he left Olympus to teach mankind how to speak, sharing the gift of rhetoric with humanity. Arthos first moved to Athens where he befriended Socrates and became the first person to ask him \u201cWhy?\u201d
\nFollowing Socrates\u2019 death, Plato betrayed him, bashing Arthos over the head with the Rosetta Stone, putting him in a coma for several centuries.
\nArthos was finally revived by none other than William Shakespeare, who accidentally re-discovered the word “Ideoplex” while writing one of his plays. Arthos then assisted Shakespeare in writing several of his most famous works, including Hamlet, which is loosely based on Arthos\u2019 life.<\/p>\n
After Shakespeare\u2019s death, Arthos engaged in a series of torrid affairs, ranging from Queen Elizabeth to Mary Shelley. Some legends say that Arthos even took Emily Dickinson\u2019s virginity, but Arthos denies these rumors, despite having a loving (and slightly erotic) picture of her hidden in his office. His adventure in Europe came to an end when he was sentenced to death for inventing the phrase \u201cLet Them Eat Cake\u201d. He narrowly escaped by filibustering his execution with his famous Conversion speech, which moved the crowd to tears.
\nFleeing to the United States, Arthos started a new life, but his legacy followed him. He was asked to copyedit the declaration of independence, which he later signed under his pseudonym, \u201cJohn Hancock.\u201d<\/p>\n
His presence in U.S. politics didn\u2019t end there. He demonstrated his capacity for community-building when he coached Martin Luther King, Jr. on invitational rhetoric minutes before King delivered his famed \u201cI Have a Dream\u201d speech.
\nIn this century, Arthos has been more involved in politics, having hand-picked the last four presidents based on their powers of persuasion, even introducing Monica Lewinsky to his good friend Bill Clinton.
\nWhen asked about his future plans, Arthos claimed that he intends to upload his consciousness to Zoom, if his body ever chooses to give out from under the podium. In the meantime, he\u2019s working on his longtime goal of getting \u201cIdeonode\u201d and \u201cIdeoplex\u201d into the Merriam Webster\u2019s Dictionary.<\/p>\n
At present, John Arthos teaches Speech and Rhetoric at Indiana University, having been hired on the spot after coining the term \u201cHoosier.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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