{"id":1061,"date":"2018-03-30T20:08:20","date_gmt":"2018-03-30T20:08:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/?p=1061"},"modified":"2018-03-30T20:35:56","modified_gmt":"2018-03-30T20:35:56","slug":"12-things-that-will-make-jesus-reconsider-dying-for-your-sins-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/03\/30\/12-things-that-will-make-jesus-reconsider-dying-for-your-sins-2\/","title":{"rendered":"12 Things That Will Make Jesus Reconsider Dying For Your Sins"},"content":{"rendered":"

By: Jake Spear<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. You address Him in your prayers as “My Heavenly Daddy”<\/strong>
    \nIt’s easy to mix up Jesus with his dad, so he might give you a pass for this one, as they are the same “person.\u201d However, be careful, as otherwise, he really might start to regret taking those nails to his hands for you.<\/li>\n
  2. You didn’t leave room for Jesus during IUDM<\/strong>
    \nYou’re dancing, you move a little too close. You might not notice, but Jesus does. Be sure to keep space between you and your dance partner. If you’re not careful, you could find yourself partners in damnation!<\/li>\n
  3. You gave “Passion of the Christ” a 3-star review on IMDb<\/strong>
    \nThis one is personal for Jesus. Insult Jesus Christ Superstar if you want, but it’s a well-documented fact that Jesus is a big fan of Mel Gibson. If you’re going to deny Gibson’s Oscar-worthy directing, you might as well deny Jesus 3 times in a garden.<\/li>\n
  4. You engaged in pre-marital gangbangs<\/strong>
    \nEveryone knows that Jesus kept company with prostitutes, Mary Magdalene was one of his closest friends. But when semen is streaming down your face and every orifice, Jesus starts to wonder if even his<\/em> blood can wipe your body clean!<\/li>\n
  5. You engaged in post-marital gangbangs<\/strong>
    \nThis one is a violation of an addendum to the 9th commandment, “Though Shalt Not Let Multiple Neighbors Covet Thy Wife.”<\/li>\n
  6. Too many thots and not enough prayers<\/strong>
    \nIt’s important to keep these at a 1:3 ratio. Otherwise, Jesus worries you’re not appreciating his sacrifice.<\/li>\n
  7. You carved a glory hole in the confession box<\/strong>
    \nJesus does the best he can to be merciful, but it’s tough to forgive sins while you’re in the middle of committing them.<\/li>\n
  8. You took Plan-B in the Hobby Lobby bathroom<\/strong>
    \nChrist doesn’t mind birth control so long as your insurance isn’t affiliated with your workplace. When it comes to subsidized health insurance, it’s important to ask yourself, “what would Jesus do?”<\/li>\n
  9. You used a rosary as anal beads<\/strong>
    \nOkay, this one might be negotiable simply because the same company makes both products, and they might have had a mix-up at the warehouse.<\/li>\n
  10. You refused to sacrifice your son<\/strong>
    \nThis is simple reciprocity. God was willing to sacrifice his son, Jesus was willing to be sacrificed. If you’re not willing to sacrifice your first born every now and then, are you actually a child of God?<\/li>\n
  11. You ignored “One Like, One Prayer”<\/strong>
    \nYou’ve just touched on Jesus’ pet peeve. He died for you, wore a crown of thorns and carried a tree up a hill on your behalf, all he asks in return is that occasionally you take the time out of your busy day to devote a moment of thought to a Christian meme page.<\/li>\n
  12. You go to Purdue<\/strong>
    \nJesus talked about converting Gentiles, but if you go to Purdue, you just might be beyond saving. Jesus does not look kindly on Boilermakers. This link just might save your soul: https:\/\/apply.iu.edu\/<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Photo credit: https:\/\/twitter.com\/wwdjd<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    By: Jake Spear You address Him in your prayers as “My Heavenly Daddy” It’s easy to mix up Jesus with his dad, so he might give you a pass for […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":1062,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1061","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-entertainment","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/image.jpg?fit=500%2C470&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-h7","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":921,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/11\/16\/how-to-avoid-accidentally-coming-out-to-aunt-barbara-this-thanksgiving\/","url_meta":{"origin":1061,"position":0},"title":"How to Avoid Accidentally Coming Out to Aunt Barbara this Thanksgiving","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"November 16, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Thanksgiving is just around the corner, which means you will be sitting directly across the table from Aunt Barbara. 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