By: Nasal Schumaker<\/p>\n
This past summer I had the amazing opportunity to intern as a part of the business operations department at ISIS. For those who may be unfamiliar, ISIS is the glorious Islamic Caliphate of Iraq and the Sham, which is being reborn from the ashes of the Old World.<\/p>\n
As a student in the Kelley School of Business at Indiana University, I was seeking a top-tier employer with an international presence, so that I would be able to network with people across cultural boundaries. Seeking a terrorist organization with a global influence seemed like it would be my best bet! However, I knew I had to be careful about who I picked. My friends who were interning for Boko Haram would often complain about their lack of professionalism, especially in cases of hostage negotiations. Luckily, I believe I made the right choice.<\/p>\n
As an intern at ISIS, I was able to collaborate on team-projects, including mediating the transaction of bomb materials from the Basque region of Northern Spain to the Horn of Africa, and aiding in the explosive event a few months ago that glorified the rebirth of the Caliphate. My presentation and analytical skills that Kelley taught me proved invaluable in my ascent to the upper echelons of the ISIS hierarchy.<\/p>\n
In addition to utilizing my soft skills, I was also able to showcase my Microsoft Office mastery. Using the Microsoft Access skills I learned in K 201, I was able to more efficiently pull from their database of heretics to assist in the process of picking which prisoners we were going to behead that day. The processing time for execution was slashed from 3 hours to mere minutes. No matter what problem was thrown at me, I knew I had the skills to complete the task.<\/p>\n
In the end, this was a truly incredible experience. I would like to thank all of my wonderful Kelley professors, my mentors, and everyone who funneled money into my Swiss trust fund that paid for this amazing experience. The Kelley Effect is definitely real, and it absolutely works.<\/p>\n
\n
\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By: Nasal Schumaker This past summer I had the amazing opportunity to intern as a part of the business operations department at ISIS. For those who may be unfamiliar, ISIS […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":1077,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[145,2,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1076","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-business","category-local","category-politics","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/30124150_1919067464801780_2854649356156403712_o.jpg?fit=1920%2C1008&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-hm","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":455,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/11\/03\/isis-declares-ceasefire-in-order-to-watch-new-season-of-walking-dead\/","url_meta":{"origin":1076,"position":0},"title":"ISIS Declares Ceasefire in Order to Watch New Season of ‘Walking Dead’","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"November 3, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Penny C. Bubblegum ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has ordered a ceasefire while his men scrambled to find a computer that hadn\u2019t been bombed to pieces so they could check out the latest season of The Walking Dead. \u201cI really enjoy the way Negan handles his prisoners,\u201d al-Baghdadi\u00a0told reporters.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Entertainment"","block_context":{"text":"Entertainment","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/entertainment\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/14959159_1251082868268060_1598148598_o.jpg?fit=1015%2C669&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/14959159_1251082868268060_1598148598_o.jpg?fit=1015%2C669&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/14959159_1251082868268060_1598148598_o.jpg?fit=1015%2C669&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/14959159_1251082868268060_1598148598_o.jpg?fit=1015%2C669&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1207,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/09\/24\/15-resume-building-tips-you-wont-learn-in-compass\/","url_meta":{"origin":1076,"position":1},"title":"15 Resume-Building Tips You Won\u2019t Learn in Compass","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"September 24, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Hoosier Flipside Staff 1) Type the whole thing in Wingdings\u00a0 Nothing says \"I speak foreign languages\" like writing in Microsoft Office's favorite form of hieroglyphics! Your interviewer will enjoy the challenge of having to transpose your entire resume just to figure out what your email is, and the experience\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Business"","block_context":{"text":"Business","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/business\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/resume-tips.jpg?fit=900%2C601&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/resume-tips.jpg?fit=900%2C601&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/resume-tips.jpg?fit=900%2C601&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/resume-tips.jpg?fit=900%2C601&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":624,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/02\/17\/area-girl-scout-troop-partners-with-kelley-school-of-business-to-increase-cookie-sales\/","url_meta":{"origin":1076,"position":2},"title":"Area Girl Scout Troop Partners with Kelley School of Business to Increase Cookie Sales","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"February 17, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Barry Vile BLOOMINGTON, IN -- Girl Scout Troop 191 has just announced a joint venture with the Kelley School of Business in an effort to boost Thin Mint sales following a disappointing 2016 fourth quarter. Nine-year-old Brownie Violet Ross has taken the business school by storm with her willingness\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Entertainment"","block_context":{"text":"Entertainment","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/entertainment\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/girlscout.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/girlscout.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/girlscout.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/girlscout.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/girlscout.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":798,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/09\/18\/local-student-to-streamline-friend-making-process-by-just-buying-some\/","url_meta":{"origin":1076,"position":3},"title":"Local Student to Streamline Friend-Making Process by Just Buying Some","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"September 18, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By:\u00a0Jacopo Inboden and Bismo Falcor BLOOMINGTON, IN - After completely ignoring all of the university\u2019s resources which allow students to make friends for free, local freshman Tim Bledsoe decided to expedite the process by purchasing some through the school's Greek System. \u201cMeeting people on my dorm floor is just a\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Business"","block_context":{"text":"Business","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/business\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/Money_9_18.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/Money_9_18.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/Money_9_18.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/Money_9_18.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/Money_9_18.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":581,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/01\/27\/chaos-ensues-after-student-declares-the-floor-is-lava-during-career-fair\/","url_meta":{"origin":1076,"position":4},"title":"Chaos Ensues After Student Declares the Floor is Lava During Career Fair","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"January 27, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By:\u00a0Jacopo Inboden BLOOMINGTON, IN\u2014 Mayhem recently broke out at a Kelley School of Business Career Fair after an unidentified passerby declared that the floor was lava, making this the fifth time the game has taken over a career fair since the fad entered the mainstream in the late 90's. The\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Business"","block_context":{"text":"Business","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/business\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/LavaFair_Resized.png?fit=960%2C717&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/LavaFair_Resized.png?fit=960%2C717&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/LavaFair_Resized.png?fit=960%2C717&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/LavaFair_Resized.png?fit=960%2C717&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1406,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2019\/01\/28\/breaking-kelley-school-of-business-to-adopt-airpods-into-business-professional-dress-guidelines\/","url_meta":{"origin":1076,"position":5},"title":"BREAKING: Kelley School of Business to Include AirPods in Business Professional Dress Guidelines","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"January 28, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Maura Less & Jake Spear BLOOMINTON-- On January 27th, 2019, the Kelley School of Business announced that Apple AirPods are now a requirement for the Kelley Business Professional dress code. This is meant to reinforce Kelley\u2019s reputation as a wealthy school and provide their students an overall more professional,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Entertainment"","block_context":{"text":"Entertainment","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/entertainment\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/professional_attire.jpg?fit=1180%2C841&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/professional_attire.jpg?fit=1180%2C841&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/professional_attire.jpg?fit=1180%2C841&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/professional_attire.jpg?fit=1180%2C841&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/professional_attire.jpg?fit=1180%2C841&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1076","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1076"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1076\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1078,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1076\/revisions\/1078"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1077"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1076"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1076"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1076"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}