By: Sutton Lee Seymour<\/p>\n
BLOOMINGTON, IN \u2013 Last Tuesday, IU maintenance crew tearing up a Forest resident\u2019s floorboards found several birds chopped up with others chained alive beneath the floor.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn all my years, I\u2019ve never seen anything like this,\u201d said maintenance team leader Katrina Black. \u201cI mean, I\u2019ve seen college students hide weed or dirty magazines in weird places, but I guess this one kid just got sick and tired of scraping bird shit off of the bottom of his shoes.\u201d<\/p>\n
In an interview, IUPD stated that no one has been detained for this incident, but the primary suspect has been identified as resident Monty Fortunato. He has yet to confess, but investigators described him muttering under his breath about “their evil eyes\u201d and whispering to the crows about \u201cthe sweet, delicious Amontillado\u201d he had in his basement.<\/p>\n
\u201cI remember whenever I went into his room, he\u2019d be scraping shit across the floorboards and crying about how guilty he felt,\u201d said Fortunato\u2019s roommate Augustus Dupin. \u201cI mean, I suspected that he\u2019d done something, but based on what I know about his thought patterns and day-to-day life I just kind of assumed he was rich and lonely like the rest of us.\u201d<\/p>\n
Luckily, when the crows were discovered, many were still alive, if not somewhat malnourished. They delivered the following statement shortly before being freed:<\/p>\n
\u201cOnce upon a campus dreary, while we wandered, hungry, weary,
\nShitting upon roof and head of students studying for Kelley ICore\u2014
\nWhile we flighted, nearly napping, suddenly there came kidnapping,
\nAs of someone tired of our presence on this southeast block of yore.
\n\u2018Rot in hell,\u2019 he muttered, \u2018and come to Forest nevermore!\u2019
\nBut we live on, fuckface, forevermore.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By: Sutton Lee Seymour BLOOMINGTON, IN \u2013 Last Tuesday, IU maintenance crew tearing up a Forest resident\u2019s floorboards found several birds chopped up with others chained alive beneath the floor. 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