{"id":1486,"date":"2019-03-20T20:04:46","date_gmt":"2019-03-20T20:04:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/?p=1486"},"modified":"2019-03-20T20:13:59","modified_gmt":"2019-03-20T20:13:59","slug":"absolute-worst-spongebob-quotes-you-should-never-shout-during-sex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2019\/03\/20\/absolute-worst-spongebob-quotes-you-should-never-shout-during-sex\/","title":{"rendered":"Absolute Worst SpongeBob Quotes You Should Never Shout During Sex"},"content":{"rendered":"

By: Jack Peebis, Flipside Staff<\/p>\n

\"patrick\"<\/p>\n

We\u2019ve all been there. You\u2019re in the bedroom with your Tinder date, things are getting steamy, and you want to try diffusing the tension with some dirty talk. You settle for the comfortable middle ground of referencing a beloved television show you watched as children, right as you\u2019re engaging in the most adult-like activity you can experience and still at least somewhat enjoy it. Well, Flipside has compiled a list of the 10 phrases from SpongebBob SquarePants that will NOT have your partner yelling, \u201cI\u2019m ready! I\u2019m ready! I\u2019m ready!\u201d<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \u201cI\u2019m absorbing his blows like I\u2019m made of some sort of spongy material!\u201d
    \nIn the moment, this might seem like you\u2019re vocalizing that the D is hitting you just right. But, in reality, it just makes you sound like you have a medical condition, or that the D isn\u2019t doing much for you.<\/li>\n
  2. \u201cDo you want it to hurt, Kevin?\u201d
    \nI mean, Jesus Christ. Even if the person\u2019s name is actually Kevin, if you have to ask this, that might be the beginnings of a toxic relationship.<\/li>\n
  3. \u201cIf I were to die right now in a fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend\u2026 then that would just be all right.\u201d
    \nThis one isn\u2019t a hard no, but you\u2019d better mean it. Don\u2019t just say it willy-nilly if you don\u2019t feel this way, if you don\u2019t want to jinx it.<\/li>\n
  4. \u201cIt\u2019ll be just like a sleepover! Only we\u2019ll be sweaty and covered with grease!\u201d
    \nI mean, you\u2019re not wrong, but you kinda lost me with the whole \u201cgrease\u201d thing.<\/li>\n
  5. \u201cIt\u2019s an Alaskan Bull Worm!!!\u201d
    \nThis\u2019ll just overinflate your partner\u2019s ego unnecessarily…unless he really is that big, in which case: damn, by all means, scream that shit to the heavens. The world must know!<\/li>\n
  6. \u201cIsn\u2019t this great? It\u2019s just the three of us: you, me, and this brick wall you built between us.\u201d
    \nProtip: If you want to talk to your partner about emotional openness in the bedroom, maybe start off a little less strong. Otherwise, the wall will get bigger.<\/li>\n
  7. \u201cThat smell. A kind of smelly smell. A smelly smell that smells…smelly.\u201d
    \nLong, tan, and handsome though they may be, it may not be the best move to describe your partner\u2019s genitals the way Mr. Krabs describes anchovies. Trust me, they won\u2019t call back.<\/li>\n
  8. \u201cHow many times do we need to teach you this lesson, old man?\u201d
    \nIf this is roleplay, that\u2019s it, I\u2019m kinkshaming you. If it isn\u2019t, I\u2019m calling the police.<\/li>\n
  9. \u201cSay hello to used napkin!\u201d
    \nIt probably isn\u2019t a great first move to point out your masturbation habit, or your inability to clean up after yourself. Nobody\u2019s turned on by the thought of you clocking the day in by cranking one out into a Kleenex.<\/li>\n
  10. \u201cYou don\u2019t need a license to drive a sandwich.\u201d
    \nAt this point, I just don’t even think you know what sex is, let alone how to properly incorporate SpongeBob lingo into the bedroom experience. Talk to a doctor, maybe read some articles or pamphlets, and then you can come back and we can discuss the Bikini Bottom Bash.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    By: Jack Peebis, Flipside Staff We\u2019ve all been there. You\u2019re in the bedroom with your Tinder date, things are getting steamy, and you want to try diffusing the tension with […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":1487,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"spay_email":"","jetpack_publicize_message":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i2.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/patrick.jpg?fit=1080%2C609&ssl=1","jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-nY","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1486"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1486"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1486\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1491,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1486\/revisions\/1491"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1487"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1486"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1486"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1486"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}