By: Flip Flipoutski<\/p>\n
Jubilance swept across the world as researchers at the newly reopened Large Hadron Collider discovered a parallel universe where you are not such a massive prick to everyone all the time. \u201cIt is one of the most momentous discoveries of all time,\u201d said Jack Kerrigan, chief of interdimensional analysis for the LHC. \u201cHere we were looking through the data, and after all these loads of different universes where you are just a bulging dickhead all day every day, we finally found a single solitary universe where you are actually a decent human being.\u201d Kerrigan went on to say that, while you may be a God-awful little shit in this universe and many universes like it, you should at least take solace in the fact that out there somewhere, somehow, there is a version of you that isn\u2019t universally regarded as the most magnanimous taint of a person ever to walk the face of the earth. Reports indicate that the data was derived from a drunken 3 a.m. experiment by a few LHC scientists, where they decided to smash a bunch of particles together and see what happened. The result was an astounding look into what is known as the multiverse, a web of divergent realities tangentially related to our own, often with very minor and inconsequential alterations. \u201cOut of the billions of multiverses we detected, we found 2,340 where Gore was president, 134 where Hitler still ruled the world as a brain in a jar, and 45 where NBC\u2019s The Slap ran for 12 Emmy-nominated seasons,\u201d said Mark Shapiro of the LHC\u2019s research division. \u201cHowever, we were only able to find one universe where you were not a gigantic asshole. Maybe not a decent human being, but you weren\u2019t walking around with a giant sign that says \u2018look at me I\u2019m just a big floppy donkey dick of a person,\u2019 and that is a remarkable find.\u201d \u201cIt was one of those moments where everybody had to stop and pinch themselves,\u201d said Kerrigan. \u201cIt\u2019s still all theoretical, and it may be hundreds of years before we are capable of repairing you emotionally enough to make people not prefer getting their dicks caught in a hornet\u2019s nest over spending a minute talking to you, but today, we now know it is theoretically possible. The dream, as it was, is alive.\u201d Because you are such an asshole to everyone that you can\u2019t even pick up your phone when someone calls, you were unavailable for comment at this time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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