<\/p>\n\n\n\n
BLOOMINGTON \u2014 Last night, SPEA junior Chris Fukova had the time of his life. He partied with his friends, won at beer pong, and even met a girl from Tinder! The two were seen leaving the party together and she was then seen leaving his dorm room the next morning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIt was awesome. She was fucking dynamite in the sack,\u201d commented \nFukova. \u201cI\u2019ve never experienced anything like it\u2026 Oh yeah, we definitely\n had sex. I had intercourse with that girl. She and I did the do. We \nboinked. It rocked. I, Chris Fukova, had sexual relations with that \nwoman.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Unfortunately, that woman Fukova hooked up with was actually a girl, a\n freshman in high school who made a Tinder profile in which she \noverstated her age by four years. To maintain the anonymity of the \nminor, we will refer to her as Shmachel Shmith.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When asked for comment, Shmith stated: \u201cI mean, I said I was a freshman, so I technically didn\u2019t lie.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When asked about his feelings on the situation, Fukova responded: \n\u201cShe\u2019s HOW old? Oh, oh god. You haven\u2019t been recording have you? I \ndidn\u2019t sleep with her! I never even met her! I don\u2019t even know who that \nis. Fuck this, I\u2019m calling my lawyer.\u201d The interview cut off when he \nsmacked my notepad out of my hand and ran away blinking back tears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When asked to comment local policemen Officer Johns said “since he \nsaid he didn\u2019t do it, we\u2019re going to go ahead and believe his story and \nFukova will receive absolutely no punishment whatsoever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“On the other hand, Shmachel Shmith will have to register as a sex offender because she had nude photos on her phone.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
BLOOMINGTON \u2014 Last night, SPEA junior Chris Fukova had the time of his life. He partied with his friends, won at beer pong, and even met a girl from Tinder! 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