{"id":1651,"date":"2021-12-01T20:15:26","date_gmt":"2021-12-01T20:15:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/?p=1651"},"modified":"2021-12-01T20:16:53","modified_gmt":"2021-12-01T20:16:53","slug":"were-the-dnc-help-us-find-the-next-presidential-nominee","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2021\/12\/01\/were-the-dnc-help-us-find-the-next-presidential-nominee\/","title":{"rendered":"We\u2019re the DNC, help us find the next presidential nominee"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Written by: Jared Reed<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hello! Thank you for taking the time to sit down with the DNC today! We just got the numbers back and it seems there isn\u2019t as much love for Joe Biden as we thought. But hey, 42% is better than the last guy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But we hear you loud and clear. You don\u2019t want a second term with Biden. Well, a lot of you didn\u2019t want a first. \u201cThe lesser of two evils\u201d as many of you kept repeating, thanks for the note by the way. That\u2019s why we\u2019re here to try and understand your wants and needs so that we can give you someone you\u2019re proud to vote for in 2024.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Which you\u2019re sure isn\u2019t Biden? No? Okay, no worries — just checking. We had a hunch about this so we\u2019ve got a few familiar faces in mind. We’d like to run them by you, because we know that it would be ridiculous to expect you to keep voting for us unconditionally ha-ha, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyway, well what do you think about Kamala Harris? An obvious choice. We thought we could get her in there one way or another. Frankly, we didn\u2019t think it would take a whole election cycle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMore of the same thing\u201d, you say? Okay, I mean she\u2019s a woman and not white. That\u2019s about as opposite as you can get over here. No problem though; we have a pretty extensive list here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh, Mayor Pete! You all loved Mayor Pete. He\u2019s gay but doesn\u2019t support \u2018Medicare for all\u2019. Seems like a good middle ground if you ask me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What do you mean we\u2019re \u201cplaying the token gay card again\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s also Amy Klobuchar. You remember her, right? At her peak she was rocking a strong 2% in the polls. She was at almost all of the debates and spoke for nearly three collective minutes. No, she wasn\u2019t popular, but neither was Joe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t want to keep beating a dead horse, but are we sure we\u2019re not happy with Joe? What if we dressed him up like AOC and we got him to do a Twitch stream? Oh, that\u2019d make it worse? Okay. Noted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyways, moving on. Bernie Sanders? Wait a second, how did that get in there? Sorry about that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Look, I know these aren\u2019t exactly the people you want in office, but compromise is a big part of politics. We give conservatives a moderate democrat president, agree to not touch the filibuster, and stay 100 feet away from raising the minimum wage at all times, and in exchange we get the senate floor seats with extra cushioning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Look, if we legalize weed federally can we just let Joe go again? No? Oh, we already told him he could. Sorry! Don\u2019t forget to vote!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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