By: Pink Freud<\/p>\n
It has been several weeks since students returned to IU Bloomington to find a shortage of living space and a glut of incoming students. To compensate for the disparity, lounges have been converted into rooms, and freshmen moved into formerly upperclassmen dorms such as Wilkie. But what of the legions of incoming students with no designated living space? To investigate the question no one is asking, this reporter ventured deep into the sewers of Bloomington to document the freshmen that RPS forgot.<\/p>\n
Upon lifting the sewer main on Fee Road, I heard a hissing like the sound of a wounded viper. In the rays of the sun, several freshmen scattered. Weeks of subterranean living had rendered their skin pasty, and eyes like saucers. Only by offering house show flyers and a caramel macchiato could I get them to lower their spears, fastened by lanyard to poster tubing.<\/p>\n
\u201cTalk of the overworld,\u201d implied one wide eyed freshman, an English Major by the name of Heather, \u201cNo sun in tunnels, no Wifi echoes through depths.\u201d<\/p>\n
After assuring her that we on the surface share her internet related plight, she lead me on an iPhone light tour of her compound. The waning light falls on sinister faces painted in leftover henna from culture fest, hair died or rebelliously cut as a rite of passage. Many of these figures hang on obscenely expensive SUVs, which can be seen recklessly roaring through the streets spewing exhaust and otherwise wreaking havoc. On an overturned minifridge, a prophet rants about the promised land of \u201cKirkwood,\u201d presumed to be located in, or all-encompassing of the city of Bloomington. Apostates speak of the apartments that the parents shall one day provide for them if they express their devotion through a B average. Making my way through the steamy underworld, a boy shoved a handful of fallen pennies beneath my nose, demanding two bottles of Svedka.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was once that alcohol was plenty from the parents,\u201d explained Heather, \u201cThose were the days called \u2018Welcome Week.\u2019 Now, lemonade fermented in shower stall. We learn much from overworld,\u201d she continued, \u201cI take Physics 101, now know secrets of universe.\u201d<\/p>\n
Many students in on campus housing find the conditions in the sewer so appalling, they take a strong stance by liking informative Facebook posts, or projecting an aloof sympathy.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s really appalling the conditions these freshmen live in,\u201d sophomore Hector Voltz told me from his air conditioned double single, \u201cI don\u2019t know how it got this way. I just wish the university would do something.\u201d<\/p>\n
When asked whether he would take steps to remedy the situation, Hector replied, \u201cSometimes I think you just have to let natural selection take its course.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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