By: Constance T. Nopel<\/p>\n
BARREN WASTELAND, EARTH\u2014 Elated upon discovering a still usable, pink Gillette razor under the radioactive rubble of Washington Monument, area woman Jane Shales told reporters she was overjoyed she would no longer have to shave her legs with her blood-coated katana. \u201cIt was such a hassle before, but in a world of impending meteors and savage cannibals, it\u2019s important to put your personal grooming first. After all, I do need to be repopulate the human race!\u201d winked Shales, adding that her new-found tool would allow her to devote extra time to mimic the photos of women remaining in dirty scraps of beauty magazines. \u201cAnd because my digestive tract is ravaged with genetically-enhanced parasites, I finally reached my goal weight! The recent abundance of violently spewing volcanoes has really raised the temperature, so it\u2019s the perfect opportunity to bring out my cut-off booty shorts and leather crop tops.\u201d Shales\u2019 resourcefulness has especially come into play when fulfilling the post-apocalyptic societal expectation for a female\u2019s made-up face. \u201cI find that the blood of my fallen companions makes an excellent lip stain, and rubbing finely-ground cockroaches on my eyelids has really helped me achieve that coveted smoky eye.\u201d At press time, when asked to respond to the media\u2019s expectations for women, Shales stated, \u201cIt\u2019s nice to know that, even when the world is ending, this one fundamental aspect of American culture will still survive.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By: Constance T. Nopel BARREN WASTELAND, EARTH\u2014 Elated upon discovering a still usable, pink Gillette razor under the radioactive rubble of Washington Monument, area woman Jane Shales told reporters she […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":219,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2,4],"tags":[12,13,28,39,40,42,61,67,68],"class_list":["post-214","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-local","category-science-technology","tag-barren-wasteland","tag-beauty","tag-cockroaches","tag-earth","tag-end-of-the-world","tag-feminist","tag-katana","tag-makeup","tag-media","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/sexy_apocalypse-jpg.png?fit=700%2C1050&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-3s","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/214","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=214"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/214\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":268,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/214\/revisions\/268"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/219"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=214"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=214"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=214"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}