By: Penny C. Bubblegum<\/p>\n
A young man in a white tank top that was consumed last night at a house party is now being accused (post-mortem) of causing his own demise from over-applying AXE body spray, commonly known to entice the\u00a0cannibal\u00a0communities. The partiers were alerted by the overwhelming smell of barbecue sauce emanating from the basement. \u201cAt first, I totally thought it was like a mirage or something, [be]cause I was like really high and I was craving chicken wings,\u201d a witness stated, looking slightly traumatized. \u201cAnd then it was like, not chicken wings at all. It was human wings<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n According to witnesses, the man who simply could not help himself was described as \u201ctroll-like,\u201d and was reported to be ravenously chewing on a bloodied pair of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air boxers. (\u201cI bet he did taste fresh,\u201d another witness commented). A group of girls told reporters that they did not blame the cannibal. \u201cHe was probably hungry! There were no chips or salsa at the party.\u201d When local reporters asked witnesses whether they believed the young man deserved to be eaten alive, a group students spoke up.<\/p>\n \u201cAbsolutely. In this day and age, who wears white tank tops? Those like only look good with blood smeared all over it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd who goes out without their crew anyway? Man, who knows what freaks roam the night nowadays.\u201d<\/p>\n One police officer advised a potential solution to the ever-growing issue of cannibalism. \u201cYou gotta make sure to look nasty or the\u00a0cannibals\u00a0will come for you. I suggest body odor and the stench of booze. It\u2019s hip.\u201d<\/p>\n A local politician, a self-identified specialist on justified\u00a0cannibalism, commented on the incident: \u201cIf it\u2019s really legitimate<\/em>\u00a0cannibalism, the body would\u2019ve coughed that flesh up. That\u2019s just science.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By: Penny C. Bubblegum A young man in a white tank top that was consumed last night at a house party is now being accused (post-mortem) of causing his own […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":224,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2,3],"tags":[8,11,19,24,27,73,79,84],"class_list":["post-223","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-local","category-politics","tag-asking-for-it","tag-axe-body-spray","tag-booze","tag-cannibalism","tag-chips","tag-party","tag-rape","tag-salsa","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/cannibalparty.png?fit=2000%2C1125&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-3B","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":661,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/03\/01\/pope-francis-confirms-god-is-just-one-of-the-guys\/","url_meta":{"origin":223,"position":0},"title":"Pope Francis Confirms God is “Just One of the Guys”","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"March 1, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Pink Freud VATICAN CITY -- In an official statement issued by the Holy See, His Holiness the Pontiff Pope Francis affirmed the centuries old church doctrine that God is a straight-up bro. Emerging from the Man Cave of St. Peter and wearing a backwards skull cap, Pope Francis greeted\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Entertainment"","block_context":{"text":"Entertainment","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/entertainment\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/03\/BroJesusPic.png?fit=1200%2C748&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/03\/BroJesusPic.png?fit=1200%2C748&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/03\/BroJesusPic.png?fit=1200%2C748&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/03\/BroJesusPic.png?fit=1200%2C748&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/03\/BroJesusPic.png?fit=1200%2C748&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":244,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/01\/14\/last-minute-flipside-approved-halloween-costume-ideas\/","url_meta":{"origin":223,"position":1},"title":"Last Minute Flipside-Approved Halloween Costume Ideas","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"January 14, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Flipside Staff According to a recent poll, as many as 30 percent of Americans have yet to pick out their Halloween costumes this year. We here at Hoosier Flipside are astounded by this absolute travesty, and we are here to do whatever possible to help the cause.\u00a0 This year,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Entertainment"","block_context":{"text":"Entertainment","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/entertainment\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/HalloweenCostumes.jpg?fit=975%2C731&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/HalloweenCostumes.jpg?fit=975%2C731&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/HalloweenCostumes.jpg?fit=975%2C731&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/HalloweenCostumes.jpg?fit=975%2C731&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":496,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/11\/14\/top-7-bloomington-eats-for-when-that-fucking-fuckface-breaks-your-goddamn-heart\/","url_meta":{"origin":223,"position":2},"title":"Top 7 Bloomington Eats for when that Fucking Fuckface Breaks your Goddamn Heart","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"November 14, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Hermynn Bae Wells Square Donuts Let\u2019s be real, girl\u2014he was a square anyway. Let the delicious taste of fried dough take you to a time before the thought of being single and dying alone kept you awake at night. BUB\u2019s Big Ugly Burgers For a piece of meat more\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/IU-Campus-Night-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C701&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/IU-Campus-Night-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C701&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/IU-Campus-Night-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C701&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/IU-Campus-Night-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C701&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/IU-Campus-Night-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C701&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1192,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/09\/17\/i-like-to-get-high-on-the-moment-man-says-before-snorting-line-of-cocaine-for-good-measure\/","url_meta":{"origin":223,"position":3},"title":"\u201cI Like to Get High on the Moment,\u201d Man Says Before Snorting Line of Cocaine for Good Measure","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"September 17, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Zoi Brooks BLOOMINGTON, IN-- Sneering at a group of drunk sorority girls, Brendan Hart was seen bragging to a different group of bystanders about his lifestyle at a party last Saturday. \u201cI don\u2019t need any distractions to be able to enjoy life. I like to get high on the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/41893988_485069195342766_8566441893984993280_n.jpg?fit=768%2C504&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/41893988_485069195342766_8566441893984993280_n.jpg?fit=768%2C504&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/41893988_485069195342766_8566441893984993280_n.jpg?fit=768%2C504&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/41893988_485069195342766_8566441893984993280_n.jpg?fit=768%2C504&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1268,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/10\/26\/halloweekend-on-its-way-10-ways-to-flaunt-it-without-getting-frostbite\/","url_meta":{"origin":223,"position":4},"title":"Halloweekend On Its Way! 7 Ways to Flaunt It Without Getting Frostbite","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"October 26, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Sutton Lee Seymour, Flipside Staff 1) Fishnet leg warmers Why not take these two sexy eighties trends and combine them into one? 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What could go wrong? 2) Fur-lined nipple tassels\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/halloweekend.jpg?fit=1200%2C675&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/halloweekend.jpg?fit=1200%2C675&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/halloweekend.jpg?fit=1200%2C675&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/halloweekend.jpg?fit=1200%2C675&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/halloweekend.jpg?fit=1200%2C675&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1021,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/03\/06\/breaking-student-running-cockfighting-ring-out-of-dorm-room-cites-loophole-in-roommate-agreement\/","url_meta":{"origin":223,"position":5},"title":"BREAKING: Student Running Cockfighting Ring Out of Dorm Room Cites Loophole in Roommate Agreement","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"March 6, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Cleetus Haversham BLOOMINGTON-- Following the trail of blood and feathers leading from Gresham Dining Hall to the Foster Hall B Tower, Bloomington PD recently apprehended freshman Justin Stevens, for operating a cockfighting ring in his dorm room. 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