By: Penny C. Bubblegum<\/p>\n
A young man in a white tank top that was consumed last night at a house party is now being accused (post-mortem) of causing his own demise from over-applying AXE body spray, commonly known to entice the\u00a0cannibal\u00a0communities. The partiers were alerted by the overwhelming smell of barbecue sauce emanating from the basement. \u201cAt first, I totally thought it was like a mirage or something, [be]cause I was like really high and I was craving chicken wings,\u201d a witness stated, looking slightly traumatized. \u201cAnd then it was like, not chicken wings at all. It was human wings<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n According to witnesses, the man who simply could not help himself was described as \u201ctroll-like,\u201d and was reported to be ravenously chewing on a bloodied pair of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air boxers. (\u201cI bet he did taste fresh,\u201d another witness commented). A group of girls told reporters that they did not blame the cannibal. \u201cHe was probably hungry! There were no chips or salsa at the party.\u201d When local reporters asked witnesses whether they believed the young man deserved to be eaten alive, a group students spoke up.<\/p>\n \u201cAbsolutely. In this day and age, who wears white tank tops? Those like only look good with blood smeared all over it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd who goes out without their crew anyway? Man, who knows what freaks roam the night nowadays.\u201d<\/p>\n One police officer advised a potential solution to the ever-growing issue of cannibalism. \u201cYou gotta make sure to look nasty or the\u00a0cannibals\u00a0will come for you. I suggest body odor and the stench of booze. It\u2019s hip.\u201d<\/p>\n A local politician, a self-identified specialist on justified\u00a0cannibalism, commented on the incident: \u201cIf it\u2019s really legitimate<\/em>\u00a0cannibalism, the body would\u2019ve coughed that flesh up. That\u2019s just science.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By: Penny C. Bubblegum A young man in a white tank top that was consumed last night at a house party is now being accused (post-mortem) of causing his own […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":224,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2,3],"tags":[8,11,19,24,27,73,79,84],"class_list":["post-223","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-local","category-politics","tag-asking-for-it","tag-axe-body-spray","tag-booze","tag-cannibalism","tag-chips","tag-party","tag-rape","tag-salsa","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/cannibalparty.png?fit=2000%2C1125&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-3B","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/223","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=223"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/223\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":270,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/223\/revisions\/270"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/224"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=223"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=223"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=223"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}