By: Constance T. Nopel<\/p>\n
TAMPA, FLORIDA- After receiving a Darling Dino Plush for her eighth birthday, second grader Abigail Willis reportedly created her first Webkinz account, not knowing that this decision would mark the beginning of her lifelong struggle with internet addiction. With her parents\u2019 permission, Abigail located the Webkinz home page and was overjoyed to find a cheerful, colorful website telling her to, \u201cCome in and Play!\u201d<\/p>\n
She giggled, not knowing that in twenty years, she would be nestled in front of the very same screen, tucked into a cocoon of empty pizza boxes, action figures, and Cheetos dust.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want my dinosaur\u2019s room to be pink. Just like mine!\u201d<\/p>\n
Abigail beamed as she clicked the \u201cnew member\u201d option at the top of the screen. Cuddling her furry blue plush, Abigail played Goober\u2019s Lab and Smoothie Moves well into the afternoon, ignorant that her future happiness would entirely depend on Red Bull consumption and a glowing screen reflecting back her deathly pale, oily face, as a result of this decision.<\/p>\n
Sources confirm that as Abigail maneuvered through the \u201csafe, fun, and magical online world,\u201d twirling her pigtails and sipping her apple juice box, she had no idea that her affinity for cute, furry animals would eventually turn into hours upon hours of depressively scouring the internet for anthropomorphic pornography.<\/p>\n
At press time, when asked to comment on her impending nights spent crying alone, staring wistfully at her cracked laptop screen, Willis responded,<\/p>\n
\u201cI think I\u2019m going to name my dinosaur Tickles!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By: Constance T. Nopel TAMPA, FLORIDA- After receiving a Darling Dino Plush for her eighth birthday, second grader Abigail Willis reportedly created her first Webkinz account, not knowing that this […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":240,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1,2,4],"tags":[129,5,126,130,127,128,124,125,123],"class_list":["post-239","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-entertainment","category-local","category-science-technology","tag-abigail","tag-addiction","tag-computer","tag-dinosaur","tag-internet","tag-pigtails","tag-porn","tag-red-bull","tag-webkinz","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/InternetGirlWebkinz.png?fit=1075%2C638&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-3R","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":90,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2015\/08\/20\/from-samoas-to-the-slammer-its-how-the-cookie-crumbles\/","url_meta":{"origin":239,"position":0},"title":"From Samoas to the Slammer: It’s How the Cookie Crumbles","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"August 20, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Constance T. Nopel I spotted her pigtails from across the parking lot. Wide, blue eyes with hair ribbons to match. She was clever, this one. A drug dealer of the sweetest kind, openly peddling her overpriced goods to the withdrawn addicts. Her neatly stacked boxes in her red wagon\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Business"","block_context":{"text":"Business","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/business\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/evilgirlscout1.jpg?fit=350%2C216&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1318,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/11\/28\/10-unhealthy-coping-mechanisms-that-are-still-more-helpful-than-caps\/","url_meta":{"origin":239,"position":1},"title":"10 Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms That Are Still More Helpful Than CAPS","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"November 28, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Jake Spear Your counselor might think this is \"normal college stress,\" and maybe it is, maybe it's not? Maybe you should stop binge drinking? What do we know we're not mental health professionals. So here are some unprofessional tips on dealing with your problems. Drinking alone Your therapist did\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Education"","block_context":{"text":"Education","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/education\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/caps.jpg?fit=1080%2C564&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/caps.jpg?fit=1080%2C564&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/caps.jpg?fit=1080%2C564&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/caps.jpg?fit=1080%2C564&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/caps.jpg?fit=1080%2C564&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":835,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/10\/04\/mcnutt-installs-new-medical-emergency-wing\/","url_meta":{"origin":239,"position":2},"title":"McNutt Installs New Medical Emergency Wing","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"October 4, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By:\u00a0Kit Cather BLOOMINGTON, IN - In an effort to streamline the urgent care process, McNutt is looking to construct a new, state-of-the-art emergency medical wing attached to Bryan\u2019s Kelley Living Learning Center, exclusively for students who vow to \u201ctotally never drink tequila again\u201d. Ambulance cars have come every night, and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/22236499_1805576219483089_850653789_n.jpg?fit=577%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/22236499_1805576219483089_850653789_n.jpg?fit=577%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/22236499_1805576219483089_850653789_n.jpg?fit=577%2C480&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1423,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2019\/02\/06\/op-ed-im-a-recovering-horse-girl\/","url_meta":{"origin":239,"position":3},"title":"Op-Ed: I’m a Recovering Horse Girl","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"February 6, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"By: B. Snee My name is Kimberly Bennett and I am a recovering horse girl. My journey has been anything but smooth. I want others like me to know, there will be bad days, but for your loved ones and your own sake you must never stop pushing for recovery.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/girl-2849264_960_720.jpg?fit=960%2C640&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/girl-2849264_960_720.jpg?fit=960%2C640&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/girl-2849264_960_720.jpg?fit=960%2C640&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/girl-2849264_960_720.jpg?fit=960%2C640&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":327,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/03\/24\/op-ed-you-know-im-really-starting-to-think-that-bill-clinton-did-have-sexual-relations-with-that-woman\/","url_meta":{"origin":239,"position":4},"title":"Op Ed: You Know, I’m Really Starting to think that Bill Clinton DID have Sexual Relations with that Woman","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"March 24, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Connor Reagan You know, I really am beginning to think that President Bill Clinton did have sexual relations with that woman.\u00a0 It\u2019s been about fifteen years, but the more I think about it, the more it begins to make sense.\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s the media.\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s the internet.\u00a0 Maybe\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Politics"","block_context":{"text":"Politics","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/politics\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/image00.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/image00.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/image00.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/image00.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/image00.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1644,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2021\/10\/26\/13-days-since-the-breakup-and-28-days-not-knowing-my-starbucks-order\/","url_meta":{"origin":239,"position":5},"title":"13 Days since the breakup and 28 days not knowing my Starbucks order","author":"Jared Reed","date":"October 26, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"Recently single man holding up line. Written by: Jared Reed It\u2019s been 13 days since she broke up with me. That\u2019s 15 days since I heard, \u201cI love you.\u201d\u00a0\u00a021 days without falling asleep with her in my arms. And worst of all, 28 days of not knowing what the drink\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Entertainment"","block_context":{"text":"Entertainment","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/entertainment\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/webstarbucks.png?fit=1200%2C756&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/webstarbucks.png?fit=1200%2C756&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/webstarbucks.png?fit=1200%2C756&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/webstarbucks.png?fit=1200%2C756&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/webstarbucks.png?fit=1200%2C756&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/239","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=239"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/239\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":241,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/239\/revisions\/241"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/240"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=239"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=239"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=239"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}