By: Mike \u201cMC Grandmaster DJ Kool\u201d Jones<\/p>\n
SAN FRANCISCO, CA \u2013 Following the recent discovery of liquid water on Mars, eccentric billionaire Mellon Husk unveiled plans for his next business venture: a water park on the red planet\u2019s surface.<\/p>\n
\u201cUpon learning of the discovery of water on Mars, I put down my quinoa-encrusted, free-range quail kabob, jumped in my self-driving, hydrogen-powered super bike and went to work,\u201d said Husk.<\/p>\n
Husk expects this park to completely revolutionize dihydrogen monoxide-based interstellar entertainment. At the recent shareholder\u2019s meeting of CosmosEx, Husk, clad in a black turtleneck and jeans, dazzled viewers with his nuanced and in absolutely no way vague presentation.<\/p>\n
\u201cSynergy. Innovation. Rocky. Dynamic. Wet,\u201d explained Husk, who later announced that the Mars water park\u2019s main attraction would be a postmodern answer to the traditional wave pool.<\/p>\n
Husk stated, \u201cWe wanted to take the concept of the wave pool to the next level, and then<\/i> the level after that. I\u2019m talking about a wave pool at the tsunami <\/i>level. One that runs on high tech SkyActiv nitro-fuel cell technology, powering 17 hyper-turbines spinning at 1600 rpm, forcing 60 foot waves rocketing into the starry sky. It will be known simply as WVE P\u221eL.\u201d<\/p>\n
Reportedly, the park will feature massive 4KHLTV digital displays, WiMax LTE internet connectivity, 100 percent immersive virtual reality featuring the climax of Jaws, a hologram of Nikola Tesla wearing thick-rimmed glasses, and revolutionary new piss-resistant water filtering technology.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat, my friends is only the beginning.\u201d He continued, \u201cWe\u2019re talking Large Hadron Collider lazy rivers, a molecular-meta 140 kW P90D sunscreen dispenser, and NASA developed dark matter inner tubes. Many consumers eagerly await more news on the rest of the park, and industry experts predict CosmosEx stock to skyrocket as a result.<\/p>\n
Other engineers have confirmed the park won\u2019t be constructed\u00a0until\u00a0workers can figure out how to breathe.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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