By: Hermynn Bae Wells<\/p>\n
After finding out that Ted Cruz was (allegedly) the Zodiac killer, we read the stars. Here’s what we found:<\/p>\n
Aries<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0Mar 21 – Apr 19<\/p>\n As your full moon comes to a close, you will feel a rush of energy as the month comes to end. You will feel rejuvenated and relaxed by the time of the next Republican Debate.<\/p>\n Taurus<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0Apr 20 – May 20<\/p>\n As the month drags on you will feel low energy. But worry not: new beginnings are on your horizon — especially if I am nominated as your GOP candidate.<\/p>\n Gemini<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0May 21 – June 20<\/p>\n Love is in the air: your romantic endeavors will be successful, especially if you send your nudes to TedCruzXXX@hotmail.com.<\/p>\n Cancer<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0June 21 – July 22<\/p>\n Stay inside. Challenges lie\u00a0ahead. Your next month will be rough, but don\u2019t worry– it will all be over soon…<\/p>\n Leo<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0\u00a0July 23 – Aug 22<\/p>\n Though you feel unappreciated, and sometimes broken down, just trust your gut and TrustTED.<\/p>\n Virgo<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0Aug 23 – Sept 22<\/p>\n People like Donald Trump are going to tell you that this month is gonna suck, but I\u2019m here as your friend, your pal , your lover, your teddy bear.<\/p>\n Libra<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0Sept 23 – Oct 22<\/p>\n Tough times are come and gone, and you\u2019ve grown so much since our last horoscope. \u00a0You\u2019ve blossomed into a young supple Libra\u2026 I hope you make time for what\u2019s most important. Love, Uncle Ted.<\/p>\n Scorpio<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0Oct 23 – Nov 21<\/p>\n This month, you will receive compliments from an attractive Hispanic GOP candidate\u2026 \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n Sagittarius<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0Nov 22 – Dec 21<\/p>\n If you look at things with an open mind, even \u201cno\u201d can mean \u201cyes\u201d.<\/p>\n Capricorn<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0\u00a0Dec 22 – Jan 19<\/p>\n This sign is extremely likely to be elected next term. \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n