{"id":321,"date":"2016-03-03T04:59:24","date_gmt":"2016-03-03T04:59:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/?p=321"},"modified":"2016-03-03T04:59:24","modified_gmt":"2016-03-03T04:59:24","slug":"your-ted-cruz-horoscope","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/03\/03\/your-ted-cruz-horoscope\/","title":{"rendered":"Your Ted Cruz Horoscope"},"content":{"rendered":"

By: Hermynn Bae Wells<\/p>\n

After finding out that Ted Cruz was (allegedly) the Zodiac killer, we read the stars. Here’s what we found:<\/p>\n

Aries<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0Mar 21 – Apr 19<\/p>\n

As your full moon comes to a close, you will feel a rush of energy as the month comes to end. You will feel rejuvenated and relaxed by the time of the next Republican Debate.<\/p>\n

Taurus<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0Apr 20 – May 20<\/p>\n

As the month drags on you will feel low energy. But worry not: new beginnings are on your horizon — especially if I am nominated as your GOP candidate.<\/p>\n

Gemini<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0May 21 – June 20<\/p>\n

Love is in the air: your romantic endeavors will be successful, especially if you send your nudes to TedCruzXXX@hotmail.com.<\/p>\n

Cancer<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0June 21 – July 22<\/p>\n

Stay inside. Challenges lie\u00a0ahead. Your next month will be rough, but don\u2019t worry– it will all be over soon…<\/p>\n

Leo<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0\u00a0July 23 – Aug 22<\/p>\n

Though you feel unappreciated, and sometimes broken down, just trust your gut and TrustTED.<\/p>\n

Virgo<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0Aug 23 – Sept 22<\/p>\n

People like Donald Trump are going to tell you that this month is gonna suck, but I\u2019m here as your friend, your pal , your lover, your teddy bear.<\/p>\n

Libra<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0Sept 23 – Oct 22<\/p>\n

Tough times are come and gone, and you\u2019ve grown so much since our last horoscope. \u00a0You\u2019ve blossomed into a young supple Libra\u2026 I hope you make time for what\u2019s most important. Love, Uncle Ted.<\/p>\n

Scorpio<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0Oct 23 – Nov 21<\/p>\n

This month, you will receive compliments from an attractive Hispanic GOP candidate\u2026 \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n

Sagittarius<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0Nov 22 – Dec 21<\/p>\n

If you look at things with an open mind, even \u201cno\u201d can mean \u201cyes\u201d.<\/p>\n

Capricorn<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0\u00a0Dec 22 – Jan 19<\/p>\n

This sign is extremely likely to be elected next term. \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n

Aquarius<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0\u00a0Jan 20 – Feb 18<\/p>\n

This month will make you feel dirtier than all the money I receive<\/p>\n

Pisces<\/strong><\/a> \u00a0\u00a0Feb 19 – March 20<\/p>\n

Astro-bodies don\u2019t determine your future, but my body can…<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By: Hermynn Bae Wells After finding out that Ted Cruz was (allegedly) the Zodiac killer, we read the stars. Here’s what we found: Aries \u00a0Mar 21 – Apr 19 As […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":322,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-321","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-entertainment","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/ted-cruz-smarmy.jpg?fit=630%2C352&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-5b","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":302,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/02\/14\/valentines-from-your-favorite-gop-candidates\/","url_meta":{"origin":321,"position":0},"title":"Valentines from your Favorite GOP Candidates","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"February 14, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"","rel":"","context":"In "Politics"","block_context":{"text":"Politics","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/politics\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/Love_Trump.png?fit=1190%2C733&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/Love_Trump.png?fit=1190%2C733&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/Love_Trump.png?fit=1190%2C733&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/Love_Trump.png?fit=1190%2C733&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/Love_Trump.png?fit=1190%2C733&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":443,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/10\/27\/followers-eagerly-await-return-of-great-and-omniscient-jonny\/","url_meta":{"origin":321,"position":1},"title":"Followers Eagerly Await Return of Great and Omniscient Jonny","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"October 27, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Ted Winestock Recent overnight appearances of mysterious messages on the sidewalks of campus have some students expecting the return of the noble and omniscient Jonny, which had been promised many years ago. \u201cEvery day, we have awaited his return! For too long, we have been tormented by the demons\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Entertainment"","block_context":{"text":"Entertainment","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/entertainment\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/14787071_1237935042915029_1809561451_o-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/14787071_1237935042915029_1809561451_o-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/14787071_1237935042915029_1809561451_o-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/14787071_1237935042915029_1809561451_o-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/14787071_1237935042915029_1809561451_o-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":145,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2015\/08\/22\/frustrated-lonely-god-creates-universe-of-kittens\/","url_meta":{"origin":321,"position":2},"title":"Frustrated, Lonely God Creates Universe of Kittens","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"August 22, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Bismo Falcor In a shocking development, rumors have surfaced that God has created an entirely separate universe populated entirely by kittens just to escape his regretted human race. Flipside sent reporter Hartford Cunningham to a remote mountain peak in the Himalayas with nothing but a grain of rice and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Entertainment"","block_context":{"text":"Entertainment","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/entertainment\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/kittyheaven.jpg?fit=274%2C300&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1093,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/04\/18\/little-500-accident-drunk-student-walking-near-sample-gates-causes-5-person-pile-up\/","url_meta":{"origin":321,"position":3},"title":"Little 500 Accident: Drunk Student Walking Near Sample Gates Causes 5 Person Pile-Up","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"April 18, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Jake Spear After accelerating too quickly through the Indiana Kirkwood crosswalk, Junior Ethan Willis collided with Sophomore Jessica Barthum. The resulting collision left 5 students prone, two students vomiting, and 30 students late to class. A spectator, freshman Alan Soesby described the accident, stating, \"This super drunk dude came\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/5_person_pileup.jpg?fit=1080%2C693&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/5_person_pileup.jpg?fit=1080%2C693&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/5_person_pileup.jpg?fit=1080%2C693&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/5_person_pileup.jpg?fit=1080%2C693&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/5_person_pileup.jpg?fit=1080%2C693&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":428,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/10\/22\/report-guantanamo-bay-just-filled-with-rejected-nickelodeon-characters\/","url_meta":{"origin":321,"position":4},"title":"Report: Guantanamo Bay just Filled with Rejected Nickelodeon Characters","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"October 22, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Ted Winestock The discovery of a two-dimensional character that oddly resembled SpongeBob SquarePants, known to fans as DoodleBob, on the shores of Cuba has led to speculation that Guantanamo Bay might actually be filled with failed Nickelodeon characters, rather than Middle Eastern terrorists, Russian spies, and other criminals. These\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Entertainment"","block_context":{"text":"Entertainment","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/entertainment\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/GitmoNick-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C857&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/GitmoNick-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C857&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/GitmoNick-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C857&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/GitmoNick-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C857&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/GitmoNick-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C857&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1115,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/04\/26\/interview-collins-resident-comes-out-as-republican\/","url_meta":{"origin":321,"position":5},"title":"Interview: Collins Resident Comes Out as Republican","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"April 26, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By:\u00a0Bartholomew Bortles Last Thursday, Collins Resident Wendell Martin came out as Republican to his friends in the Living Learning Center. He faced plenty of backlash for this stunning admission, so Flipside\u2019s own Hartford Cunningham sat down with him to talk about it. HC: Wendell, thank you very much for taking\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Politics"","block_context":{"text":"Politics","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/politics\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/coming_out.jpg?fit=1080%2C721&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/coming_out.jpg?fit=1080%2C721&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/coming_out.jpg?fit=1080%2C721&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/coming_out.jpg?fit=1080%2C721&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/coming_out.jpg?fit=1080%2C721&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/321","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=321"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/321\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":323,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/321\/revisions\/323"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/322"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=321"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=321"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=321"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}