By: Barry Vile and Bismo Falcor<\/p>\n
Following the discovery of a fast-multiplying family of cockroaches in the Memorial Stadium locker room, experts and fans have been gearing up for the most successful year of Indiana University football in decades. This discovery comes roughly three weeks after a mantis appeared in the dugout of the Kansas City Royals, which experts say sparked a win streak that revitalized their season.<\/p>\n
The family of roaches was discovered by maintenance worker Russell Kuntz Jr. during a routine inspection of the locker room.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was walking through the locker room when I started smelling a strong, funky odor. Expecting to find a couple of freshmen lighting it up, I instead found a grimy Pizza X box. Inside was one of the oldest, most disgusting buffalo-bleu cheese chicken pizzas I\u2019d ever seen. Just then, a whole bunch of roaches came scurrying out in all directions. I then realized that we were poised to have the greatest season of IU football in years,\u201d said Kuntz Jr.<\/p>\n
Since the discovery, Indiana\u2019s football ranking has skyrocketed to the top of the Big 10, analyst Kirk Herbstreit referred to running back Devine Redding as a \u201cHeisman Trophy favorite,\u201d and a couple of other maintenance workers claimed that Hep\u2019s Rock actually grew by several cubic feet.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhile Indiana looked fantastic in their win over FIU last Saturday, the roach discovery in their stadium gives me every reason to believe that they\u2019ll be a serious contender this December,\u201d said Herbstreit.<\/p>\n
When asked if he was going to call an exterminator, football coach Kevin Wilson replied, \u201cHell no! I say let \u2018em multiply! If by the start of this season, every corner of Memorial Stadium isn\u2019t infested by these sickly creatures, our team doesn\u2019t stand a snowball\u2019s chance in hell. Besides, worst case scenario, they\u2019ll at least boost our attendance numbers!\u201d<\/p>\n
However, when asked about the possibility of success from Tom Crean\u2019s basketball squad, Wilson replied, \u201cYou could find a box of mosquitos shipped here from Brazil on midcourt of Assembly Hall and those losers still wouldn\u2019t have a chance.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By: Barry Vile and Bismo Falcor Following the discovery of a fast-multiplying family of cockroaches in the Memorial Stadium locker room, experts and fans have been gearing up for the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":360,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2,144],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-364","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-local","category-sports","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/roach.jpg?fit=1046%2C530&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-5S","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":412,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/10\/17\/iu-students-make-traditional-pilgrimage-away-from-stadium-following-tailgate-party\/","url_meta":{"origin":364,"position":0},"title":"IU Students Make Traditional Pilgrimage away from Stadium Following Tailgate Party","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"October 17, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Skell Eaton BLOOMINGTON, IN \u2014 Leading up to the kickoff of Indiana University\u2019s match-up against Nebraska, thousands of Indiana students made their traditional pilgrimage away from the stadium after their tailgate parties, directly preceding the football game. \u201cThis is by far my favorite IU tradition. There\u2019s nothing like marching\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Entertainment"","block_context":{"text":"Entertainment","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/entertainment\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/tailgate-31.jpeg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/tailgate-31.jpeg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/tailgate-31.jpeg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/tailgate-31.jpeg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/tailgate-31.jpeg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":474,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/11\/07\/breaking-hillary-clintons-deleted-emails-discovered-on-tenth-floor-of-ballantine-stairwell\/","url_meta":{"origin":364,"position":1},"title":"Breaking: Hillary Clinton\u2019s \u201cDeleted Emails\u201d Discovered on Tenth Floor of Ballantine Stairwell","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"November 7, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Fannie Wanker Students and amateur climbers should expect changes following the discovery of a Lenovo Yoga 2 laptop, which contained Word documents of every one of Hillary Clinton\u2019s emails, on the top floor of Ballantine Hall. Secret Service personnel and campus security have blocked off the ninth and tenth\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Entertainment"","block_context":{"text":"Entertainment","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/entertainment\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/ballantine-hall.jpg?fit=375%2C500&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":854,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/10\/14\/iu-football-looks-to-keep-homecoming-losing-streak-alive\/","url_meta":{"origin":364,"position":2},"title":"IU Football Looks to Keep Homecoming Losing Streak Alive","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"October 14, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Bismo Falcor and Justin TruBRO BLOOMINGTON, IN - Following 6 consecutive losses on homecoming weekend, the Indiana University football team looks to add onto that impressive streak of disappointment during today\u2019s game against University of Michigan. Despite the fact that Michigan has the nation\u2019s top ranked defense, IU head\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Sports"","block_context":{"text":"Sports","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/sports\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/331195_actual.jpg?fit=1024%2C683&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/331195_actual.jpg?fit=1024%2C683&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/331195_actual.jpg?fit=1024%2C683&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/331195_actual.jpg?fit=1024%2C683&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":801,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/09\/20\/area-student-refuses-newspaper-the-right-to-print-his-picture\/","url_meta":{"origin":364,"position":3},"title":"Area Student Refuses Newspaper the Right to Print His Picture","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"September 20, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Sutton Lee Seymour BLOOMINGTON, IN \u2013 Last Friday night, Flipside reporter Mack E. Velli spotted a particularly interesting individual named William Cavanaugh, who denied a request to take his picture. \u201cNo thanks, I\u2019d rather not,\u201d said Cavanaugh, who was wearing a red and white Indiana University hoodie with a\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Education"","block_context":{"text":"Education","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/education\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/21908038_1397966513584511_963426013_o.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/21908038_1397966513584511_963426013_o.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/21908038_1397966513584511_963426013_o.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/21908038_1397966513584511_963426013_o.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/21908038_1397966513584511_963426013_o.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":594,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/02\/10\/americas-leading-climate-scientists-found-bound-and-gagged-in-white-house-closet\/","url_meta":{"origin":364,"position":4},"title":"America\u2019s Leading Climate Scientists Found Bound and Gagged in White House Closet","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"February 10, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Joe King WASHINGTON, D.C. - Several of the nation\u2019s top climate scientists were discovered tied up and gagged in one of the closets of the White House early Friday morning. The climatologists had been held in the small storage room since inauguration day and had only been able to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Politics"","block_context":{"text":"Politics","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/politics\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/WHscientists.jpg?fit=1200%2C936&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/WHscientists.jpg?fit=1200%2C936&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/WHscientists.jpg?fit=1200%2C936&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/WHscientists.jpg?fit=1200%2C936&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/WHscientists.jpg?fit=1200%2C936&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":490,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/11\/12\/indiana-university-football-player-suspended-from-team-after-receiving-a-on-exam\/","url_meta":{"origin":364,"position":5},"title":"Indiana University Football Player Suspended from Team after Receiving A on Exam","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"November 12, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Barry Vile After receiving a solid A this past week on his finite exam, Indiana University\u2019s backup quarterback Mike Austin was suspended from the team for \"not living up to team expectations,\u201d as stated by head coach, Kevin Wilson. \u00a0\u201cI can\u2019t believe one of our players took the time\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Sports"","block_context":{"text":"Sports","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/sports\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/football-940x626.jpg?fit=940%2C626&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/football-940x626.jpg?fit=940%2C626&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/football-940x626.jpg?fit=940%2C626&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/football-940x626.jpg?fit=940%2C626&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/364","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=364"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/364\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":366,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/364\/revisions\/366"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/360"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=364"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=364"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=364"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}