By: Barry Vile and Bismo Falcor<\/p>\n
Following the discovery of a fast-multiplying family of cockroaches in the Memorial Stadium locker room, experts and fans have been gearing up for the most successful year of Indiana University football in decades. This discovery comes roughly three weeks after a mantis appeared in the dugout of the Kansas City Royals, which experts say sparked a win streak that revitalized their season.<\/p>\n
The family of roaches was discovered by maintenance worker Russell Kuntz Jr. during a routine inspection of the locker room.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was walking through the locker room when I started smelling a strong, funky odor. Expecting to find a couple of freshmen lighting it up, I instead found a grimy Pizza X box. Inside was one of the oldest, most disgusting buffalo-bleu cheese chicken pizzas I\u2019d ever seen. Just then, a whole bunch of roaches came scurrying out in all directions. I then realized that we were poised to have the greatest season of IU football in years,\u201d said Kuntz Jr.<\/p>\n
Since the discovery, Indiana\u2019s football ranking has skyrocketed to the top of the Big 10, analyst Kirk Herbstreit referred to running back Devine Redding as a \u201cHeisman Trophy favorite,\u201d and a couple of other maintenance workers claimed that Hep\u2019s Rock actually grew by several cubic feet.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhile Indiana looked fantastic in their win over FIU last Saturday, the roach discovery in their stadium gives me every reason to believe that they\u2019ll be a serious contender this December,\u201d said Herbstreit.<\/p>\n
When asked if he was going to call an exterminator, football coach Kevin Wilson replied, \u201cHell no! I say let \u2018em multiply! If by the start of this season, every corner of Memorial Stadium isn\u2019t infested by these sickly creatures, our team doesn\u2019t stand a snowball\u2019s chance in hell. Besides, worst case scenario, they\u2019ll at least boost our attendance numbers!\u201d<\/p>\n
However, when asked about the possibility of success from Tom Crean\u2019s basketball squad, Wilson replied, \u201cYou could find a box of mosquitos shipped here from Brazil on midcourt of Assembly Hall and those losers still wouldn\u2019t have a chance.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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