By: Joe King<\/p>\n
DES MOINES, IA \u2014 Following concerns of her health, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton assured voters that her fitness would not be an issue due to the extremely long lifespan of Lizard People. During a rally in the (human) city of Des Moines, Iowa, Clinton addressed the public:<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is no need to worry about my health,\u201d she hissed, \u201cMy species is known to live well up to five thousand Earth-years old, and I only just celebrated my sweet sixteen hundred! I\u2019ve still got a couple more millennia in me before I completely shrivel up and become sustenance for our freshly-hatched young.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cReptilians, or Lizard People as they are commonly referred to,\u201d Clinton\u2019s physician explained, \u201care an ancient alien species from a faraway galaxy who have come to Earth in an attempt to dominate the planet.\u201d The ear, nose, and scale doctor continued, \u201cAs a Lizard Person, Clinton has a prolonged lifespan and is actually more closely related to a venomous snake than to a human.\u201d<\/p>\n
Echid-na of the N\u00fcwa Wadjet \u2013 or Hillary Clinton as she is known to Earthlings \u2013 is the leader of the most recent Reptilian invasion of our planet. She and the rest of her kind have disguised themselves as our political elite to gain our trust and eventually enslave us through the strategy known as \u201ccrony capitalism\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd finally, I and the rest of the Illumi-, I mean, Democratic Party greatly appreciate your support as we barely drag on through this tattering campaign,\u201d Hillary Clinton declared, concluding her speech. Sources report that after her rally, the presidential candidate slithered back to her sewer base to molt off her outer shell, giving Clinton completely new skin, excuses for her email scandal, and opinions on immigration.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By: Joe King DES MOINES, IA \u2014 Following concerns of her health, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton assured voters that her fitness would not be an issue due to the extremely […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":373,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3],"tags":[200,183,201,199],"class_list":["post-372","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-politics","tag-health","tag-hillary-clinton","tag-illuminati","tag-lizard-people","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/HillaryLizard.jpg?fit=400%2C543&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-60","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":327,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/03\/24\/op-ed-you-know-im-really-starting-to-think-that-bill-clinton-did-have-sexual-relations-with-that-woman\/","url_meta":{"origin":372,"position":0},"title":"Op Ed: You Know, I’m Really Starting to think that Bill Clinton DID have Sexual Relations with that Woman","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"March 24, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Connor Reagan You know, I really am beginning to think that President Bill Clinton did have sexual relations with that woman.\u00a0 It\u2019s been about fifteen years, but the more I think about it, the more it begins to make sense.\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s the media.\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s the internet.\u00a0 Maybe\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Politics"","block_context":{"text":"Politics","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/politics\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/image00.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/image00.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/image00.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/image00.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/image00.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1236,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/10\/10\/breaking-fiji-pledge-bravely-challenges-brett-kavanaugh-to-a-game-of-beer-pong-for-supreme-court-seat\/","url_meta":{"origin":372,"position":1},"title":"BREAKING: FIJI Pledge Bravely Challenges Brett Kavanaugh to a Game of Beer Pong for Supreme Court Seat","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"October 10, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By K.C. Jones BLOOMINGTON, IN- After a bitter week in the battle over newly appointed Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, a FIJI pledge boldly challenged Kavanaugh to a game of beer pong for his seat on the Supreme Court. Posting the challenge onto Instagram, the shirtless Kyle Maxell stated, \u201cYo\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Politics"","block_context":{"text":"Politics","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/politics\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/kavanaugh_beer_pong.jpg?fit=758%2C426&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/kavanaugh_beer_pong.jpg?fit=758%2C426&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/kavanaugh_beer_pong.jpg?fit=758%2C426&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/kavanaugh_beer_pong.jpg?fit=758%2C426&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":974,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/25\/frustrated-god-temporarily-revokes-area-mans-free-will\/","url_meta":{"origin":372,"position":2},"title":"Frustrated God Temporarily Revokes Area Man’s Free Will","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"January 25, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Bismo Falcor BLOOMINGTON, IN -- Following a series of outrageously stupid decisions, God has announced he will be temporarily suspending Junior Brad Heyward\u2019s right to free will. \u201cI\u2019ve witnessed a lot of blunders, from marching into Russia during wintertime, to putting mayonnaise on hot dogs, but I have always\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Entertainment"","block_context":{"text":"Entertainment","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/entertainment\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/Control-The-Final-Frontier.jpg?fit=320%2C375&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":474,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/11\/07\/breaking-hillary-clintons-deleted-emails-discovered-on-tenth-floor-of-ballantine-stairwell\/","url_meta":{"origin":372,"position":3},"title":"Breaking: Hillary Clinton\u2019s \u201cDeleted Emails\u201d Discovered on Tenth Floor of Ballantine Stairwell","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"November 7, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Fannie Wanker Students and amateur climbers should expect changes following the discovery of a Lenovo Yoga 2 laptop, which contained Word documents of every one of Hillary Clinton\u2019s emails, on the top floor of Ballantine Hall. Secret Service personnel and campus security have blocked off the ninth and tenth\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Entertainment"","block_context":{"text":"Entertainment","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/entertainment\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/ballantine-hall.jpg?fit=375%2C500&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":384,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/10\/01\/gary-johnson-climbs-in-polls-as-voters-identify-with-his-lack-of-knowledge-interest-in-international-affairs\/","url_meta":{"origin":372,"position":4},"title":"Gary Johnson Climbs in Polls as Voters Identify with Lack of Knowledge, Interest in International Affairs","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"October 1, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Rush N. Spyze WHITEFISH, MT: Following his latest gaffe, Governor Gary Johnson\u2019s numbers have jumped as Americans find they relate closely to his ignorance of foreign governments, geography, and conflicts. Experts claim that Johnson\u2019s incompetence has resonated: as stated by political analyst Sharon Goldstein, \u201cThere are many voters who\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Politics"","block_context":{"text":"Politics","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/politics\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/cannabis-exec-gary-johnson-launches-presidential-bid-we-think.jpg?fit=960%2C576&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/cannabis-exec-gary-johnson-launches-presidential-bid-we-think.jpg?fit=960%2C576&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/cannabis-exec-gary-johnson-launches-presidential-bid-we-think.jpg?fit=960%2C576&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/cannabis-exec-gary-johnson-launches-presidential-bid-we-think.jpg?fit=960%2C576&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1055,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/03\/29\/the-immortal-john-arthos-the-man-the-myth-the-legend\/","url_meta":{"origin":372,"position":5},"title":"The Immortal John Arthos: The Man, The Myth, The Legend","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"March 29, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Sutton Lee Seymour, Jake Spear, Bismo Falcor In a forgotten classroom in the basement of Sycamore Hall, a humble public and oral communications professor sits at his desk, ferociously flipping through his notes. Some speculate that this man is more than 3000 years old and wiser than most biblical\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Education"","block_context":{"text":"Education","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/education\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/john_arthos.jpg?fit=1080%2C752&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/john_arthos.jpg?fit=1080%2C752&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/john_arthos.jpg?fit=1080%2C752&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/john_arthos.jpg?fit=1080%2C752&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/john_arthos.jpg?fit=1080%2C752&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/372","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=372"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/372\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":374,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/372\/revisions\/374"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/373"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=372"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=372"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=372"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}