By: Voidius Black<\/p>\n
Following a period of intense procrastination this past week, Indiana University freshman Mason Briggs lost his virginity to a 20-page paper on Antidisestablishmentarianism.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t believe how hard that paper screwed me,\u201d Briggs told reporters. \u201cI knew it was going to be due Wednesday, and that procrastinating would be a bad idea. But I just kept putting it off because, I\u2019ll be honest, I haven\u2019t been sober since the football team beat MSU.” His class, Y-792 (Intro to Incomprehensible Political Theory) has gained a considerable amount of notoriety in the past few years due to a workload that often leads to students engaging in mediocre lovemaking sessions with their assignments the night before they are due.<\/p>\n
Briggs continued, \u201cI always imagined that my first time would involve a beautiful connection with another human being, not a 7 hour experience with a 20-page long Microsoft Word document. But, I mean, it\u2019s not the end of the world. I know it\u2019s just going to be a one-time thing. I\u2019m not gonna turn into one of those students who always procrastinates and ends up getting fucked by every assignment that comes their way. But hey, I got it done, right? Sure, I think I spelled antidisestablishmentarianism differently each time I mentioned it, and there’s no way I passed the assignment, but I guess it feels good getting this behavior out of my system. It’s what freshman year is for!\u201d<\/p>\n
In response to the spike in students getting railed by their homework due to poor preparation, a new student group called \u201cPlanned Paperwork\u201d has begun handing out flash drives saying, \u201cStudents should always be protected. Hardware malfunctions and viruses can be very dangerous.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By: Voidius Black Following a period of intense procrastination this past week, Indiana University freshman Mason Briggs lost his virginity to a 20-page paper on Antidisestablishmentarianism. \u201cI can\u2019t believe how […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":433,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-432","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-local","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/14877300_1241829665860047_863109860_n.jpg?fit=720%2C960&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-6Y","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/432","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=432"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/432\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":442,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/432\/revisions\/442"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/433"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=432"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=432"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=432"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}