By: Voidius Black<\/p>\n
Following a period of intense procrastination this past week, Indiana University freshman Mason Briggs lost his virginity to a 20-page paper on Antidisestablishmentarianism.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t believe how hard that paper screwed me,\u201d Briggs told reporters. \u201cI knew it was going to be due Wednesday, and that procrastinating would be a bad idea. But I just kept putting it off because, I\u2019ll be honest, I haven\u2019t been sober since the football team beat MSU.” His class, Y-792 (Intro to Incomprehensible Political Theory) has gained a considerable amount of notoriety in the past few years due to a workload that often leads to students engaging in mediocre lovemaking sessions with their assignments the night before they are due.<\/p>\n
Briggs continued, \u201cI always imagined that my first time would involve a beautiful connection with another human being, not a 7 hour experience with a 20-page long Microsoft Word document. But, I mean, it\u2019s not the end of the world. I know it\u2019s just going to be a one-time thing. I\u2019m not gonna turn into one of those students who always procrastinates and ends up getting fucked by every assignment that comes their way. But hey, I got it done, right? Sure, I think I spelled antidisestablishmentarianism differently each time I mentioned it, and there’s no way I passed the assignment, but I guess it feels good getting this behavior out of my system. It’s what freshman year is for!\u201d<\/p>\n
In response to the spike in students getting railed by their homework due to poor preparation, a new student group called \u201cPlanned Paperwork\u201d has begun handing out flash drives saying, \u201cStudents should always be protected. Hardware malfunctions and viruses can be very dangerous.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By: Voidius Black Following a period of intense procrastination this past week, Indiana University freshman Mason Briggs lost his virginity to a 20-page paper on Antidisestablishmentarianism. \u201cI can\u2019t believe how […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":433,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-432","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-local","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/14877300_1241829665860047_863109860_n.jpg?fit=720%2C960&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-6Y","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":784,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/09\/11\/student-compensates-for-lack-of-problems-by-fabricating-new-ones\/","url_meta":{"origin":432,"position":0},"title":"Student Compensates for Lack of Problems by Fabricating New Ones","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"September 11, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Fannie Wanker 19 year old Indiana University Sophomore, Terry Bell, was found sulking outside of his tower at Wilkie Residence Hall this past Tuesday. Terry is well known among his friends as the first one to be picked as a flip-cup partner, but the last to be picked as\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Education"","block_context":{"text":"Education","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/education\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/9_11_FabricatingProblems.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/9_11_FabricatingProblems.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/9_11_FabricatingProblems.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/9_11_FabricatingProblems.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/9_11_FabricatingProblems.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1310,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/11\/26\/breaking-tinder-to-release-new-app-to-set-up-arranged-marriages\/","url_meta":{"origin":432,"position":1},"title":"BREAKING: Tinder to Release New App to Set Up Arranged Marriages","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"November 26, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Naluesh\u00a0Ho & Jake Spear LOS ANGELES, CA \u2013\u00a0Trying to appeal to a new demographic, Tinder has decided to culturally appropriate the Indian subcontinent with their new app for facilitating arranged marriage: Tindarrange. Distancing itself from hookup culture, Tinder has decided to appeal to a whole new market. The real\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Science & Technology"","block_context":{"text":"Science & Technology","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/science-technology\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Tinder_Arranged_Marriage%4015x.png?fit=1200%2C857&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Tinder_Arranged_Marriage%4015x.png?fit=1200%2C857&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Tinder_Arranged_Marriage%4015x.png?fit=1200%2C857&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Tinder_Arranged_Marriage%4015x.png?fit=1200%2C857&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Tinder_Arranged_Marriage%4015x.png?fit=1200%2C857&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":658,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/02\/27\/new-study-reveals-bullying-affects-losers-hardest\/","url_meta":{"origin":432,"position":2},"title":"New Study Reveals Bullying Affects Losers Hardest","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"February 27, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By:\u00a0Jonathan Pollock WICHITA FALLS, TX\u00a0-- A recent study in the prestigious journal Suck It, Nerd! Quarterly has found that, contrary to popular opinion, losers suffer the most at the hands of bullies. \"After careful analysis of hundreds of bullying incidents, we've found that, regardless of age, education level, race, ethnicity,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Science & Technology"","block_context":{"text":"Science & Technology","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/science-technology\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/school-bullying.jpg?fit=1200%2C750&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/school-bullying.jpg?fit=1200%2C750&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/school-bullying.jpg?fit=1200%2C750&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/school-bullying.jpg?fit=1200%2C750&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/school-bullying.jpg?fit=1200%2C750&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1055,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/03\/29\/the-immortal-john-arthos-the-man-the-myth-the-legend\/","url_meta":{"origin":432,"position":3},"title":"The Immortal John Arthos: The Man, The Myth, The Legend","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"March 29, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Sutton Lee Seymour, Jake Spear, Bismo Falcor In a forgotten classroom in the basement of Sycamore Hall, a humble public and oral communications professor sits at his desk, ferociously flipping through his notes. Some speculate that this man is more than 3000 years old and wiser than most biblical\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Education"","block_context":{"text":"Education","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/education\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/john_arthos.jpg?fit=1080%2C752&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/john_arthos.jpg?fit=1080%2C752&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/john_arthos.jpg?fit=1080%2C752&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/john_arthos.jpg?fit=1080%2C752&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/john_arthos.jpg?fit=1080%2C752&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1008,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/02\/28\/15-great-ways-to-boost-your-essays-word-count\/","url_meta":{"origin":432,"position":4},"title":"15 Great Ways to Boost your Essay’s Word Count!","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"February 28, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Flipside Staff Midterms are upon us, and for many of us, that will mean writing long essays. We here at the Flipside understand it can sometimes be challenging to find those final 1500 words to round out the paper, so here are Flipside's tips for boosting your word count!\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Education"","block_context":{"text":"Education","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/education\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/28555338_1868383706536823_957668730_o.jpg?fit=1200%2C675&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/28555338_1868383706536823_957668730_o.jpg?fit=1200%2C675&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/28555338_1868383706536823_957668730_o.jpg?fit=1200%2C675&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/28555338_1868383706536823_957668730_o.jpg?fit=1200%2C675&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/28555338_1868383706536823_957668730_o.jpg?fit=1200%2C675&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":986,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/02\/09\/researchers-fear-iu-greek-houses-could-become-endangered-by-2030\/","url_meta":{"origin":432,"position":5},"title":"Researchers Fear IU Greek Houses Could Become Endangered by 2030","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"February 9, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Jonathan Pollack and Bartholomew Bortles BLOOMINGTON, IN--A recent study conducted by the IU office of Sustainability suggests that Greek houses, if not managed properly, could become endangered by 2030. \u201cOver the past decade, we have seen that the Greek system\u2019s rising rates of charter revocations, bodily-fluid emissions, and assault\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/DJyzdkFXcAE59Gz.jpg?fit=900%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/DJyzdkFXcAE59Gz.jpg?fit=900%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/DJyzdkFXcAE59Gz.jpg?fit=900%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/DJyzdkFXcAE59Gz.jpg?fit=900%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/432","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=432"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/432\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":442,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/432\/revisions\/442"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/433"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=432"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=432"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=432"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}