By: Bismo Falcor<\/p>\n
Following their historic World Series victory over the Cleveland Indians, the Chicago Cubs finally acknowledged that their victory had less to do with hard work, determination, and preparation, and more to do with 41 year old man Dave Wilmer\u2019s unwillingness to change his boxer briefs\u00a0throughout the final three games of the series.<\/p>\n
\u201cDown there on the field, everyone was so emotional. Teammates were thanking each other, a lot of them were thanking God,\u201d said Ben Zobrist, the World Series MVP. He continued, \u201cHowever, once the dust settled, and the next day everything had sank in, we realized that the true hero was Dave Wilmer. His insistence on wearing the same crusty undergarments is undoubtedly the reason we won.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dave Wilmer, a resident of Deerfield, IL, \u00a0was absolutely ecstatic. Not only did his favorite team win, but he was being hailed as the hero. \u201cI don’t know, I’ve had them for what feels like forever, but I put them on before attending game 5. When they won 3-2, I knew I was on to something, and I also knew I could never take them off.” He continued, scratching his backside, \u201cIt definitely wasn\u2019t easy, especially when I shit all over them in the fifth inning after that wild pitch drove in two runs, but I knew I didn\u2019t have a choice.\u201d<\/p>\n
Following the revelation this past Thursday, Wilmer’s soiled undergarments were shipped off to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, where they are set to be displayed next to the jockstrap Anthony Rizzo wore during the game’s final inning.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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