By: Jug R. Not<\/p>\n
Professor Bersching\u2019s financial accounting class was abruptly halted yesterday when a student\u2019s audible joke about Purdue University activated the programming of a Krannert School of Management sleeper agent posing as one of their own. The young man instantly began cutting off access to any exits from the building using a program developed by Purdue\u2019s Engineering Department and kept the perimeter of Kelley Secret Police (KSP) officers at bay by threatening to upload an improper balance sheet onto the Kelley website if they got too close.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s looking pretty bad in there,\u201d said KSP Captain M. Bezzle. \u201cI mean, I knew that those Purdue folks were getting bored but sweet Jesus, this is ridiculous.\u201d Captain Bezzle then took this reporter on a quick tour of the outer defenses erected by the defense program. \u201cYOU SEE?!\u201d he exclaimed, pointing to the titanium gates and automated overhead drones that barred and guarded every entrance into the building. \u201cHow can a single Purdue nerd do this in a few hours when we were remodeling Hodge Hall for years?\u201d<\/p>\n
The sleeper agent has continuously broadcasted his demands via hologram ever since his takeover of Kelley. They include the total surrender of the long-neutral ground of IUPUI to Purdue University, the forfeiture of Mark Cuban\u2019s alumnus status, and a weekly tribute of Baked! cookies to be sent directly to the Krannert School of Management.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe must not back down in the face of this unprovoked aggression,\u201d IU President Michael McRobbie said in an official statement concerning the crisis. \u201cThis university, its staff, and its students shall stand strong against this threat. We are working towards a solution to this situation, and we pray that the members of our community in the hallowed halls of Hodge can maintain their courage.\u201d<\/p>\n
While the present situation is indeed alarming, and potentially life-threatening, Kelley professors have said they see no reason why students should get extensions on their ICORE projects.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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