By: Barry Vile<\/p>\n
BLOOMINGTON, IN — Girl Scout Troop 191 has just announced a joint venture with the Kelley School of Business in an effort to boost Thin Mint sales following a disappointing 2016 fourth quarter. Nine-year-old Brownie Violet Ross has taken the business school by storm with her willingness to do whatever it takes to sell more cookies.<\/p>\n
“I don’t really understand a lot of what the business people are saying,” Violet told reporters, “and I’m not sure what ‘outsourcing cookie development’ or ‘undercutting those pricks from Ellettsville’ have to do with selling more cookies, but I’ll do anything to help fund our troop’s summer camping trip!”<\/p>\n
Kelley School Head of Admissions Emily Jenkins has expressed her pleasure at the program’s success, stating that Thin Mint sales are expected to increase by 120 percent, and Caramel deLites are projected to also come up another 45 percent. “This is really fantastic, I’m amazed the program is doing so well. We’d like to bring up those numbers some more before the spring busy season hits, but these girls haven’t yet developed their Adderall tolerance enough to keep up with our students.”<\/p>\n
Due to the success of the partnership, Kelley has announced plans to implement a major in Girls Scout Cookie Sales for next semester, with a co-major in Baked Good Analytics.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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Nopel I spotted her pigtails from across the parking lot. Wide, blue eyes with hair ribbons to match. She was clever, this one. A drug dealer of the sweetest kind, openly peddling her overpriced goods to the withdrawn addicts. 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Not Professor Bersching\u2019s financial accounting class was abruptly halted yesterday when a student\u2019s audible joke about Purdue University activated the programming of a Krannert School of Management sleeper agent posing as one of their own. 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