By:\u00a0Jonathan Pollock<\/p>\n
\nWICHITA FALLS, TX\u00a0— A recent study in the prestigious journal Suck It, Nerd! Quarterly has found that, contrary to popular opinion, losers suffer the most at the hands of bullies.
\n“After careful analysis of hundreds of bullying incidents, we’ve found that, regardless of age, education level, race, ethnicity, gender, socioeconomic status, geography, leisure activities, sex, and virginity, being a loser means you are significantly more likely to be a victim of bullying,” stated Dr. Richard Wang, who nervously glanced over towards his associate, Nelson “Atomic Wedgie” Brunel, throughout our interview.
\n“Cut with the geek speak, Wang – ha, Wang – tell the man what you told me,” said Mr. Brunel as he slammed his fist on the table.
\n\u201cF-F-Furthermore, those losers will, we found, suffer the most at the fis-hands of bullies,\u201d continued Dr. Wang, visibly jumping at his colleague\u2019s gesture.
\nSchool officials across the nation reported feelings of glee and lightheartedness at the study\u2019s findings.
\n\u201cWe\u2019ve been running these anti-bullying campaigns for over a decade,\u201d says Dr. Oak N. Switch, superintendent of Fairway United County Schools. \u201cWe\u2019re all tired of defending these kids against the psychological and physical toll that bullying can exact. FUCS just doesn\u2019t have anything more to give. This study means I can finally sit back in my chair and do even less work for more than double the salary of those lazy-ass teachers.\u201d
\n\u201cHonestly, I always thought most of those kids were losers anyways. I say \u2018good riddance.’\u201d
\nNew lines of inquiry include the torque required for the perfect purple nurple and the likelihood that you will stop hitting yourself.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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