By: Mack E. Velli<\/p>\n
BLOOMINGTON, IN — Following the Senate’s recent passing of a bill to defund Planned Parenthood, many Bloomington store owners are considering opening up back-alley abortion clinics so that they can jump on the newfound fetus terminating gravy train.<\/p>\n
\u201cI’m actually pretty ecstatic that the funding got slashed,\u201d admitted local businesswoman Jane Cutler. \u201cIt\u2019s not as if demand for abortions is going to disappear, so we may as well just include that as part of our business model.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jane, who with her husband runs a local thrift shop, says that they will be installing an abortion center in the back part of their store. \u201cWe want to give our customers that nice feeling of home, like back in the old days when they had to have it done secretly in a barn.\u201d<\/p>\n
Coming off of a recent one night stand, Hutton Honors College student and Fulbright Scholar Rachel Gruber discussed how excited she is to have to use her next six months worth of paychecks to fund her abortion.<\/p>\n
“I was getting pretty fed up with all these freeloaders,” Rachel confessed. “They all think they can just have sex like everyone who isn’t thousands of dollars in debt and not have to ruin their lives over it. I think the government needs to stay out of my vagina and let me pay most of my income to letting Jane in there with a long piece of metal instead.”<\/p>\n
When asked why she was willing to allow a non-licensed medical practitioner to stick a likely unsterilized object inside of her, Gruber stated, “I’d just like to do my part to support small businesses.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By: Mack E. Velli BLOOMINGTON, IN — Following the Senate’s recent passing of a bill to defund Planned Parenthood, many Bloomington store owners are considering opening up back-alley abortion clinics […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":727,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2,3],"tags":[335,65,336],"class_list":["post-726","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-local","category-politics","tag-abortion","tag-local","tag-planned-parenthood","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/03\/17690496_1448090478566150_1973859737_n.jpg?fit=540%2C300&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-bI","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":732,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/04\/03\/bloomington-tech-park-to-automate-eviction-notices-for-priced-out-renters\/","url_meta":{"origin":726,"position":0},"title":"Bloomington Tech Park to Automate Eviction Notices for Priced Out Renters","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"April 3, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Mack E. Velli Bloomington, IN \u2013 Bloomington business leaders and city council members celebrated last night after greenlighting a plan to create an automated system for efficiently dealing out eviction notices to those who will be priced out of their neighborhood due to being located near Bloomington\u2019s upcoming Certified\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/bloomington2.jpg?fit=960%2C515&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/bloomington2.jpg?fit=960%2C515&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/bloomington2.jpg?fit=960%2C515&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/bloomington2.jpg?fit=960%2C515&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":909,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/11\/08\/13-cute-fall-date-ideas-in-bloomington\/","url_meta":{"origin":726,"position":1},"title":"13 Cute Fall Date Ideas in Bloomington","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"November 8, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"It's that time of year again. 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