By: Barry Vile<\/p>\n
BLOOMINGTON, IN — Following a relaxing spring break and a moderately active semester, freshman with a high metabolism Sterling Wilson has just one focus on his mind to close out the semester: gain fifteen pounds of pure, greasy fat.<\/p>\n
“Evidently I have to put on the freshman fifteen as a prerequisite for becoming a sophomore,” said a bewildered Wilson. “I always thought that was just some dumb joke that dads make so they feel less guilty about how downhill their lives have gone. But nope, It’s an actual requirement by the university. If I’m still able to see my dick by May 5th, I have to repeat freshman year.”<\/p>\n
Wilson is not the first case of a student struggling to meet the unique health requirement. While he has made great use of his roommates, using their cumulative pool of meal points to guarantee he never dips below five thousand calories a day, many students have gone to great lengths to gain the requisite fifteen pounds over the years. Struggling freshmen have even purchased wheelchairs so their friends are able to transport them to class so they don’t run the risk of burning a couple calories during transit.<\/p>\n
At press time, Wilson was last seen entering a comatose state while being rolled into a Read elevator on a stretcher as his roommates fed him his fourth box of Baked cookies for the day.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By: Barry Vile BLOOMINGTON, IN — Following a relaxing spring break and a moderately active semester, freshman with a high metabolism Sterling Wilson has just one focus on his mind […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":740,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[341,30,36,342,46,340,58],"class_list":["post-737","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-entertainment","tag-baked","tag-cookies","tag-dorm","tag-fifteen","tag-freshmen","tag-gresh","tag-indiana-university","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/DennysBro.png?fit=1056%2C660&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-bT","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":938,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/12\/04\/kelley-freshman-using-linkedin-as-dating-site\/","url_meta":{"origin":737,"position":0},"title":"Kelley Freshman Using LinkedIn as Dating Site","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"December 4, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Aesthetic Danger BLOOMINGTON,IN -\u00a0After watching each member of his friend group enter long term relationships, and finding no success on Tinder, Kelley Freshman Chad McMahon developed the concept of using LinkedIn as a dating site. In an exclusive interview with McMahon, he explained that he had a hard time\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Business"","block_context":{"text":"Business","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/business\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/tinderlinked-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/tinderlinked-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/tinderlinked-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/tinderlinked-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/tinderlinked-1.jpg?fit=1200%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1260,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/10\/22\/selfless-freshman-couple-on-e-bus-makes-out-without-tongue\/","url_meta":{"origin":737,"position":1},"title":"Selfless: Freshman Couple on E-Bus Makes Out Without Tongue","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"October 22, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Maura Less BLOOMINGTON, IN- A freshman couple on the morning E-Bus made waves across campus as they performed their morning snog, without their usual, grotesque display of slobber. For years, countless Freshman couples have asserted their dominance on the E by aggressively making out with their partner. This, in\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/making_out_on_bus.jpg?fit=600%2C400&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/making_out_on_bus.jpg?fit=600%2C400&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/making_out_on_bus.jpg?fit=600%2C400&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":432,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/10\/25\/area-student-loses-virginity-to-20-page-essay-on-antidisestablishmentarianism\/","url_meta":{"origin":737,"position":2},"title":"Area Student Loses Virginity to 20-Page Essay on Antidisestablishmentarianism","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"October 25, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Voidius Black Following a period of intense procrastination this past week, Indiana University freshman Mason Briggs lost his virginity to a 20-page paper on Antidisestablishmentarianism. \u201cI can\u2019t believe how hard that paper screwed me,\u201d Briggs told reporters. \u201cI knew it was going to be due Wednesday, and that procrastinating\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/14877300_1241829665860047_863109860_n.jpg?fit=720%2C960&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/14877300_1241829665860047_863109860_n.jpg?fit=720%2C960&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/14877300_1241829665860047_863109860_n.jpg?fit=720%2C960&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/14877300_1241829665860047_863109860_n.jpg?fit=720%2C960&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":554,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/01\/19\/indiana-university-announces-plans-for-building-without-gaping-design-flaw\/","url_meta":{"origin":737,"position":3},"title":"Indiana University Announces Plans for Building Without Gaping Design Flaw","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"January 19, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By:\u00a0Jacopo Inboden BLOOMINGTON, IN - Indiana University has just announced plans for a new general studies building which will have absolutely zero rookie structural mistakes. \"We are very excited,\u201d University representative Karen Finkel informed Flipside reporters. \u201cWith the amount of time we have already spent renovating the rest of campus,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/16128685_1333064960069850_1723100495_n.jpg?fit=555%2C370&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/16128685_1333064960069850_1723100495_n.jpg?fit=555%2C370&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/16128685_1333064960069850_1723100495_n.jpg?fit=555%2C370&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":344,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/08\/31\/area-freshman-reviled-by-fellow-students-for-thinking-school-colors-are-red-and-white\/","url_meta":{"origin":737,"position":4},"title":"Area Freshman Reviled By Fellow Students For Thinking School Colors Are Red and White","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"August 31, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Jacopo Inboden BLOOMINGTON, IN--Flipside has just received word that local first-year Hoosier, Kaylee Wellington, still thinks that Indiana University\u2019s school colors are red and white after attending more than a week of classes. Wellington was last spotted browsing the Union Bookstore with fellow Hoosiers, where she was overheard telling\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/14159748_1179193595455841_1316289584_n.jpg?fit=720%2C960&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/14159748_1179193595455841_1316289584_n.jpg?fit=720%2C960&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/14159748_1179193595455841_1316289584_n.jpg?fit=720%2C960&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/14159748_1179193595455841_1316289584_n.jpg?fit=720%2C960&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1083,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/04\/12\/this-is-not-what-i-thought-greek-life-would-be-like-says-confused-freshman-after-attending-chi-alpha-call-out-meeting\/","url_meta":{"origin":737,"position":5},"title":"“This is not what I thought Greek Life would be like” Says Confused Freshman After Attending Chi Alpha Meeting","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"April 12, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Jake Spear BLOOMINGTON, IN -- Following his first meeting Chi Alpha meeting, Freshman Jim Hesler spoke with Flipside reporters expressing his surprise at Greek life on IU campus. \"Going to a Big 10 party school like IU, I was expecting Greek life to be more interesting,\" said Hesler, staring\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Education"","block_context":{"text":"Education","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/education\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/chi_alpha_sad_frat_guy.png?fit=1040%2C720&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/chi_alpha_sad_frat_guy.png?fit=1040%2C720&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/chi_alpha_sad_frat_guy.png?fit=1040%2C720&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/chi_alpha_sad_frat_guy.png?fit=1040%2C720&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/737","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=737"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/737\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":742,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/737\/revisions\/742"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/740"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=737"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=737"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=737"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}