By:\u00a0Jacopo Inboden and Bismo Falcor<\/p>\n
BLOOMINGTON, IN – After completely ignoring all of the university\u2019s resources which allow students to make friends for free, local freshman Tim Bledsoe decided to expedite the process by purchasing some through the school’s Greek System.<\/p>\n
\u201cMeeting people on my dorm floor is just a pain in the ass,” lamented Bledsoe. “It feels like such a waste of time to put in all the effort of getting to know people who in 3 years I’ll probably never hear from again. I’d much rather pay a couple grand and not deal with it. Sure, I\u2019ll probably have to shave somebody\u2019s balls or something, but I’m all about convenience.\u201d<\/p>\n
According to Alpha Sigma Sigma president Chad Brentburg, this is the exact type of student they have been looking to recruit.<\/p>\n
“We all have better things to do than go to floor meetings or club call-outs where you might not actually get along with anybody. In ASS, we guarantee all pledges will have a bro or two to play FIFA with, as well as provide them with all the crazy stories other students get in college, minus all of the emotional attachment.”<\/p>\n
At press time, Bledsoe was reported to be writing a personal ad, seeking a girlfriend for a monthly rate of $990 or less.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By:\u00a0Jacopo Inboden and Bismo Falcor BLOOMINGTON, IN – After completely ignoring all of the university\u2019s resources which allow students to make friends for free, local freshman Tim Bledsoe decided to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":799,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[145,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-798","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-business","category-local","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/Money_9_18.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-cS","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":905,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/11\/06\/divorce-rate-skyrockets-following-successful-dads-weekend\/","url_meta":{"origin":798,"position":0},"title":"Divorce Rate Skyrockets Following Successful Dad’s Weekend","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"November 6, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Fannie Wanker Carmel, IN -- Indianapolis divorce lawyers have seen a huge upswing in divorce filings following what can only be described as a successful Dad\u2019s weekend. While some have met the news with sadness and desperation, Zeta Alpha Mu sophomore Brad Berg has expressed intense excitement at the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/Dads-weekend.jpeg?fit=960%2C475&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/Dads-weekend.jpeg?fit=960%2C475&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/Dads-weekend.jpeg?fit=960%2C475&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/Dads-weekend.jpeg?fit=960%2C475&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":893,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/10\/31\/abandoned-frat-house-on-north-jordan-found-to-be-haunted\/","url_meta":{"origin":798,"position":1},"title":"Abandoned Frat House on North Jordan Found to be Haunted","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"October 31, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Bismo Falcor BLOOMINGTON, IN-Following the immediate disbandment of Herman B. Wells' former fraternity, Sigma Nu, students passing by the old house have reported experiencing paranormal activity. \u00a0 \u201cI was walking by the house on my way to class this morning, and felt this really strange breeze. The hair on\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/SNU-Haunted-House.jpg?fit=465%2C300&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":986,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/02\/09\/researchers-fear-iu-greek-houses-could-become-endangered-by-2030\/","url_meta":{"origin":798,"position":2},"title":"Researchers Fear IU Greek Houses Could Become Endangered by 2030","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"February 9, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Jonathan Pollack and Bartholomew Bortles BLOOMINGTON, IN--A recent study conducted by the IU office of Sustainability suggests that Greek houses, if not managed properly, could become endangered by 2030. \u201cOver the past decade, we have seen that the Greek system\u2019s rising rates of charter revocations, bodily-fluid emissions, and assault\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/DJyzdkFXcAE59Gz.jpg?fit=900%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/DJyzdkFXcAE59Gz.jpg?fit=900%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/DJyzdkFXcAE59Gz.jpg?fit=900%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/DJyzdkFXcAE59Gz.jpg?fit=900%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":801,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/09\/20\/area-student-refuses-newspaper-the-right-to-print-his-picture\/","url_meta":{"origin":798,"position":3},"title":"Area Student Refuses Newspaper the Right to Print His Picture","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"September 20, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Sutton Lee Seymour BLOOMINGTON, IN \u2013 Last Friday night, Flipside reporter Mack E. Velli spotted a particularly interesting individual named William Cavanaugh, who denied a request to take his picture. \u201cNo thanks, I\u2019d rather not,\u201d said Cavanaugh, who was wearing a red and white Indiana University hoodie with a\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Education"","block_context":{"text":"Education","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/education\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/21908038_1397966513584511_963426013_o.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/21908038_1397966513584511_963426013_o.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/21908038_1397966513584511_963426013_o.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/21908038_1397966513584511_963426013_o.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/21908038_1397966513584511_963426013_o.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":294,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/02\/07\/50-girls-who-rejected-me-in-high-school\/","url_meta":{"origin":798,"position":4},"title":"50 Girls Who Rejected Me in High School","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"February 7, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Bismo Falcor Today, the Denver Broncos take on the Carolina Panthers in what could very well\u00a0be one of the greatest match-ups\u00a0in NFL history. In honor of Super Bowl 50, here is a list of\u00a050 girls who rejected me in high school: Janet Martin Margaret Williams Hannah James Simone Tornheim\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Sports"","block_context":{"text":"Sports","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/sports\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/SB50_Regional_3D.jpg?fit=1200%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/SB50_Regional_3D.jpg?fit=1200%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/SB50_Regional_3D.jpg?fit=1200%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/SB50_Regional_3D.jpg?fit=1200%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/SB50_Regional_3D.jpg?fit=1200%2C1200&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":945,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/12\/08\/iu-fraternities-turn-to-organic-farming-after-alcohol-ban\/","url_meta":{"origin":798,"position":5},"title":"IU Fraternities Turn to Organic Farming After Alcohol Ban","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"December 8, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Robbie McMichael Bloomington, IN - \u201cI farm the land because the land must be farmed,\u201d said Brent Whiteman, 2 year member of the\u00a0Sigma Alpha Epsilon\u00a0fraternity. 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