By:\u00a0Chip MountGummery and Bismo Falcor<\/p>\n
SILICON VALLEY – Despite the obvious fact that technological advancements in the field of transportation are occurring at an exponential rate, the executives at Segway Inc. are still somehow convinced that they are leading the charge into the future.<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cWe at Segway believe that the effortless movement provided by our product is the only way forward,\u201d said CEO of Segway Inc. Rufus Charlson, as he pulled 50 informational pamphlets out of his fanny pack. \u201cSegways are incredibly accessible, very mobile, and the ladies LOVE them. They come in a wide variety of colors, and we even offer an American flag wrap, so you can represent the greatest country on earth, in style!\u201d he exclaimed as his wife popped her third aspirin. <\/span><\/p>\n Head engineer Orville Wonderberg, also discussed some of the future plans for the \u201cworld famous\u201d dicycle. <\/span><\/p>\n \u201cOur latest project is developing a Segway that is capable of being driven on interstate highways,\u201d Wonderberg excitedly told reporters. \u201cIt will be powered by an inline Kawasaki motorcycle engine that will be able to take this bad boy from 0-60 in 3.2 seconds. <\/span>Fun fact: you can fit up to 32 of these puppies in the space a normal car takes up. How\u2019s that for environmentally friendly?<\/span>\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n However, the Segway still has its detractors, including billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk, who has yet to fall for the company\u2019s plans.<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI guess they\u2019re pretty handy for getting around my 20,248 sq. ft. home, but unless they can get me from San Francisco to Los Angeles in 35 minutes going 700 mph and they give a good blowjob, I\u2019m not interested,\u201d said Musk before leaving in his solar-powered self-driving car.<\/span><\/p>\n At press time, the executives at Segway Inc. were\u00a0seen preparing their third attempt at\u00a0being featured on the television show Shark Tank.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By:\u00a0Chip MountGummery and Bismo Falcor SILICON VALLEY – Despite the obvious fact that technological advancements in the field of transportation are occurring at an exponential rate, the executives at Segway […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":842,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-841","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-science-technology","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/fort-worth-segway-tours.jpg?fit=1600%2C921&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-dz","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":324,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/03\/10\/new-central-european-transportation-plans-announced\/","url_meta":{"origin":841,"position":0},"title":"New Central European Transportation Plans Announced","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"March 10, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Phil Concerns have been raised over a recently announced high speed rail line between Berlin and Warsaw. Many in Poland feel that the connection is far from necessary. The Polish Minister of Foreign Affairs, Stanislav Polkowski, stated, \u201cThere are already more than enough avenues for the German people to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Politics"","block_context":{"text":"Politics","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/politics\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/WarsawTrain.png?fit=1133%2C776&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/WarsawTrain.png?fit=1133%2C776&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/WarsawTrain.png?fit=1133%2C776&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/WarsawTrain.png?fit=1133%2C776&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/WarsawTrain.png?fit=1133%2C776&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1169,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/09\/10\/op-ed-im-that-guy-on-a-bike-and-i-think-youre-a-douche-too\/","url_meta":{"origin":841,"position":1},"title":"Op-Ed: I’m That Guy on a Bike and I Think You’re a Douche Too","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"September 10, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Fredrick Venus As I ride my bicycle through the streets of Bloomington, I see the faces of hundreds of students, faculty, and screaming homeless people. All of them with the same look on their faces as whiz by on my 10-speed: Scorn. How dare I, an intellectual with a\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/41418422_540420519713226_2989447733670051840_n.jpg?fit=1058%2C700&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/41418422_540420519713226_2989447733670051840_n.jpg?fit=1058%2C700&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/41418422_540420519713226_2989447733670051840_n.jpg?fit=1058%2C700&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/41418422_540420519713226_2989447733670051840_n.jpg?fit=1058%2C700&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/41418422_540420519713226_2989447733670051840_n.jpg?fit=1058%2C700&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":722,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/03\/29\/area-freshmen-raid-chemistry-building-in-search-of-acid-5\/","url_meta":{"origin":841,"position":2},"title":"Area Freshmen Raid Chemistry Building in Search of Acid","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"March 29, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Robben DeCash BLOOMINGTON, IN--With Little 500 on the horizon, freshman couple Rachel Morgan and Jacob Feinberg recently executed a raid of Indiana University\u2019s chemistry building looking for Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, more commonly known as Acid. \u201cAs freshman, we have like, zero connections to drug dealers on campus and someone\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Education"","block_context":{"text":"Education","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/education\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":597,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/02\/13\/mythical-7-bus-seen-dashing-south-of-campus\/","url_meta":{"origin":841,"position":3},"title":"Mythical 7 Bus Seen Dashing South of Campus","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"February 13, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Jonathan Pollock BLOOMINGTON, IN -- Long known as the bus that \u2018conveniently\u2019 serves those who live south of Indiana University\u2019s illustrious campus, today, each and every person who claims to take the 7 Express line bus on a regular basis swore that they just missed it. \u201cWell, you know,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/binoculars.jpg?fit=1200%2C799&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/binoculars.jpg?fit=1200%2C799&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/binoculars.jpg?fit=1200%2C799&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/binoculars.jpg?fit=1200%2C799&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/binoculars.jpg?fit=1200%2C799&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1284,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2018\/11\/08\/how-to-weave-an-ad-for-wheeli-into-your-next-essay\/","url_meta":{"origin":841,"position":4},"title":"How to Weave an Ad for Wheeli into Your Next Essay","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"November 8, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Jake Spear It can be a bit overwhelming to have professors constantly demanding papers from you. That's why Flipside is here to help teach you how to integrate obvious advertising seamlessly into your next assignment. It might not be clear to your professor that you understand the effects of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Education"","block_context":{"text":"Education","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/education\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Screenshot-25.png?fit=1200%2C843&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Screenshot-25.png?fit=1200%2C843&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Screenshot-25.png?fit=1200%2C843&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Screenshot-25.png?fit=1200%2C843&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Screenshot-25.png?fit=1200%2C843&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":148,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2015\/08\/22\/flipside-writing-staff-prepares-to-take-over-for-iusa-elections\/","url_meta":{"origin":841,"position":5},"title":"Flipside Writing Staff Prepares (to Take Over) for IUSA Elections","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"August 22, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Flipside Staff For those who don\u2019t know, IUSA elections will be held April 8th and 9th. This will give every student a chance to voice opinions on what issues IU should prioritize, as it strives to make campus a better place. Issues such as student safety and environmental concern\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/trolliusa.png?fit=612%2C541&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/trolliusa.png?fit=612%2C541&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/trolliusa.png?fit=612%2C541&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/841","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=841"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/841\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":846,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/841\/revisions\/846"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/842"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=841"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=841"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=841"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}