By: Sutton Lee Seymour and Bismo Falcor<\/p>\n
This past week\u2019s earthquake drills reminded us that at any moment, tectonic plates can just say \u201cfuck it,\u201d and start moving around to their hearts content. Given that limestone barely stands a chance against Mother Nature, we have compiled the best places to hide during an earthquake to ensure either your greatest chance of survival, or coolest demise!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Woodburn Elevators<\/strong> Under the Ballantine stairs<\/strong> Rose Well House<\/strong> Collins Living Learning Center<\/strong> IMU Basement<\/strong> SGIS Building<\/b> Under Your Roommate\u2019s Bed While He\u2019s Having Sex on It<\/strong> 14th Floor of Eigenman<\/strong> The IMU Bell Tower<\/strong> Geology Building<\/strong> By: Sutton Lee Seymour and Bismo Falcor This past week\u2019s earthquake drills reminded us that at any moment, tectonic plates can just say \u201cfuck it,\u201d and start moving around to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":887,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-886","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-local","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/aboutUs1.png?fit=800%2C531&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-ei","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1480,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2019\/03\/18\/op-ed-im-ballantine-hall-and-i-hate-you-too\/","url_meta":{"origin":886,"position":0},"title":"Op-Ed: I’m Ballantine Hall and I Hate You Too","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"March 18, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Fredrick Venus Ever since some asshole in a philosophy class pondered the existence of consciousness in limestone and the professor\u2019s head exploded, I poofed into existence. 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There is enough vomit in the hallway to make a four course meal, and every morning I awaken to the howls of females in heat. 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\nSure, they may only be held together by duct tape and cling wrap, but there\u2019s no reason to think the 400 year old foundation won\u2019t hold up under a massive earthquake. Be careful however, as being trapped there for extended periods of time might lead to mesothelioma, and\u00a0you are not entitled to compensation in post-apocalyptic Indiana.<\/p>\n
\nAs high as they go UP, imagine how far they must go DOWN! If going down to ground level is safe, then going 2 miles under ground-level must be extra-safe!<\/p>\n
\nTrue love will conquer anything, even natural disasters. Bring your sweetie to the Rose Well House and your deep embrace shall shield you from the chaos of the world.<\/p>\n
\nEver since the LLC declared earthquakes a \u201csocial construct,\u201d their powers have become irrelevant. You should be okay there.<\/p>\n
\nFar removed from the outside world, very few manage to ever find this hidden realm. However, if you\u00a0are able to reach it, the earthquake should be unable to find you and will go terrorize another student.<\/p>\n
\nSurely, in a campus so close to two massive fault lines, the most high tech building would be constructed so that it is able to\u00a0withstand giant tremors. Surely, they wouldn\u2019t spend $53M\u00a0on a building that will crumple like a house of cards when a 1.5 magnitude earthquake hits. Surely, you\u2019d be safe in a fucking glass atrium.<\/p>\n
\nWith all of the rocking that is already going on directly above you, you won’t even notice the earthquake that is crumbling the foundation your dorm is built on.<\/p>\n
\nHonestly, under the stress of an earthquake, limestone crumbles like paper, so you are basically fucked either way. Stand on the 14th floor of Eigenman so at least you can\u00a0look like a badass riding a\u00a0chunk of stone to your untimely death.<\/p>\n
\nThis way, even if you get horrifically maimed by falling rubble, you can start a new life as The Hunchback of Indiana University and fall in love with a sorority girl that will end up going for the quarterback anyway.<\/p>\n
\nThose rock nerds have spent years preparing for this attack, and they know exactly what the Earth is gonna throw at you. You might have to deal with their shitty rock puns after they save society, but they\u2019re really pretty solid.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"