By: Constance T. Nopel<\/p>\n
I spotted her pigtails from across the parking lot. Wide, blue eyes with hair ribbons to match. She was clever, this one. A drug dealer of the sweetest kind, openly peddling her overpriced goods to the withdrawn addicts. Her neatly stacked boxes in her red wagon guarded by a mere stuffed animal flaunted the easy access to euphoria\u2014that is, if you could pay the price. I cautiously approached her, noting each badge expertly sewn to her green sash:<\/span><\/p>\n A Social Butterfly badge. A DIY Jewelry badge. An Ice Dream Party badge.<\/span><\/p>\n Clearly, this girl was highly trained.<\/span><\/p>\n I neared close enough for her to skip in my direction. I looked over her stash: Samoas, Tagalongs, Thin Mints: the motherload. She smiled prettily up at me.<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cMy name is Susie, and this is Mr. Bear-ee. Would you like to buy a box of Girl Scout cookies?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n That was all the proof I needed. Whipping out a pair of handcuffs, I pinned little Susie to the asphalt.<\/span><\/p>\n Perhaps you think it strange that I restrained a child against the ground. Perhaps you find it even stranger that I immediately after restrained Mr. Bear-ee in an even smaller pair of handcuffs. But I doubt you have any surprise at how the masses of passerby pilfered her drug-like merchandise as soon as Susie was incapacitated.<\/span><\/p>\n You see, I am a recovering cookie addict. My dependency sickened even that of the Cookie Monster himself. I started experimenting– a Toffee-Tastic here, a Do-Si-Do there. But before long, one box became ten. Ten became fifty. And fifty became my bedridden, obese body hooked up to a pure caramel IV, framed by crushed cardboard boxes and stale cookie crumbs.<\/span><\/p>\n I speak from experience: Little Susie was not a normal girl. Little Susie was a Girl Scout. I had been tracking little Susie for weeks, after hearing large reports of mothers cheating on their diets, coworkers mildly annoyed by fathers bringing order sheets into work, and desperate college students pestering anyone with a little sister.<\/span><\/p>\n You may think these girls are normal. But none \u2014none<\/i>\u2014 of these girls are normal. And I will devote my life to bringing down this cookie cartel\u2014no matter what the troop mothers have to say about it.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By: Constance T. Nopel I spotted her pigtails from across the parking lot. Wide, blue eyes with hair ribbons to match. She was clever, this one. A drug dealer of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":123,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[145,2],"tags":[5,30,38,49,76,85,93],"class_list":["post-90","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-business","category-local","tag-addiction","tag-cookies","tag-drug-dealer","tag-girl-scouts","tag-police-brutality","tag-samoas","tag-thin-mints","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/evilgirlscout1.jpg?fit=350%2C216&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-1s","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1692,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2022\/11\/18\/op-ed-stop-telling-people-im-not-a-real-cop-i-am-too-a-real-cop\/","url_meta":{"origin":90,"position":0},"title":"OP-ED: Stop telling people I\u2019m not a real cop, I AM TOO a real cop","author":"Owen Baker","date":"November 18, 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Your roommate Brett, an IUPD Cadet I\u2019ve had enough. Stop asking me to call 911 so a \u201creal police officer\u201d can show up. Stop telling your friends I\u2019m majoring in \"applied crossing guard studies\". I\u2019m sick of the disrespect. I saw a post from Elon Musk on my LinkedIn\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/flipside_cadetoped_ig.png?fit=1080%2C1080&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/flipside_cadetoped_ig.png?fit=1080%2C1080&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/flipside_cadetoped_ig.png?fit=1080%2C1080&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/flipside_cadetoped_ig.png?fit=1080%2C1080&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/flipside_cadetoped_ig.png?fit=1080%2C1080&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":451,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/11\/01\/op-ed-dare-was-wrong-because-i-am-a-junior-and-nobody-has-offered-me-free-drugs\/","url_meta":{"origin":90,"position":1},"title":"Op-Ed: DARE was Wrong Because I am a Junior and Nobody has Offered Me Free Drugs","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"November 1, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Wendell Jeff When my fine-ass fifth grade teacher, Mr. McMichael, brought a police officer into my class at Colonel Richard Johnson Middle School, I assumed he was just fed up dealing with pre-pubescent classes of walking hormones and had had one too many martinis last night. Little did I\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Entertainment"","block_context":{"text":"Entertainment","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/entertainment\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/14958520_1248930695149944_996386559_n.jpg?fit=600%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/14958520_1248930695149944_996386559_n.jpg?fit=600%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/14958520_1248930695149944_996386559_n.jpg?fit=600%2C800&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":722,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/03\/29\/area-freshmen-raid-chemistry-building-in-search-of-acid-5\/","url_meta":{"origin":90,"position":2},"title":"Area Freshmen Raid Chemistry Building in Search of Acid","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"March 29, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Robben DeCash BLOOMINGTON, IN--With Little 500 on the horizon, freshman couple Rachel Morgan and Jacob Feinberg recently executed a raid of Indiana University\u2019s chemistry building looking for Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, more commonly known as Acid. \u201cAs freshman, we have like, zero connections to drug dealers on campus and someone\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Education"","block_context":{"text":"Education","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/education\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":624,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2017\/02\/17\/area-girl-scout-troop-partners-with-kelley-school-of-business-to-increase-cookie-sales\/","url_meta":{"origin":90,"position":3},"title":"Area Girl Scout Troop Partners with Kelley School of Business to Increase Cookie Sales","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"February 17, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Barry Vile BLOOMINGTON, IN -- Girl Scout Troop 191 has just announced a joint venture with the Kelley School of Business in an effort to boost Thin Mint sales following a disappointing 2016 fourth quarter. Nine-year-old Brownie Violet Ross has taken the business school by storm with her willingness\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Entertainment"","block_context":{"text":"Entertainment","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/entertainment\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/girlscout.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/girlscout.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/girlscout.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/girlscout.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/girlscout.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1423,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2019\/02\/06\/op-ed-im-a-recovering-horse-girl\/","url_meta":{"origin":90,"position":4},"title":"Op-Ed: I’m a Recovering Horse Girl","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"February 6, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"By: B. Snee My name is Kimberly Bennett and I am a recovering horse girl. My journey has been anything but smooth. I want others like me to know, there will be bad days, but for your loved ones and your own sake you must never stop pushing for recovery.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/girl-2849264_960_720.jpg?fit=960%2C640&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/girl-2849264_960_720.jpg?fit=960%2C640&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/girl-2849264_960_720.jpg?fit=960%2C640&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/girl-2849264_960_720.jpg?fit=960%2C640&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1520,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2019\/04\/18\/schrodingers-douchebag-a-hard-hitting-investigation-of-a-cultural-phenomenon\/","url_meta":{"origin":90,"position":5},"title":"SCHR\u00d6DINGER\u2019S DOUCHEBAG: A Hard-Hitting Investigation of a Cultural Phenomenon","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"April 18, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"By Robbie McMichael Flipside has taken on itself to investigate a henceforth unstudied cultural phenomenon that affects daily the lives of women: Schr\u00f6dinger\u2019s Douchebag. This term describes an event which occurs when a single woman passes a group of 3 or more men. In the moments in which the parties\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Local"","block_context":{"text":"Local","link":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/category\/local\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/04\/2E14C6CF-04F4-4390-8F68-6318D5415766.jpeg?fit=750%2C395&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/04\/2E14C6CF-04F4-4390-8F68-6318D5415766.jpeg?fit=750%2C395&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/04\/2E14C6CF-04F4-4390-8F68-6318D5415766.jpeg?fit=750%2C395&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/04\/2E14C6CF-04F4-4390-8F68-6318D5415766.jpeg?fit=750%2C395&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/90","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=90"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/90\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":252,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/90\/revisions\/252"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/123"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=90"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=90"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=90"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}