By: Bismo Falcor<\/p>\n
BLOOMINGTON, IN — Following a series of outrageously stupid decisions, God has announced he will be temporarily suspending Junior Brad Heyward\u2019s right to free will.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve witnessed a lot of blunders, from marching into Russia during wintertime, to putting mayonnaise on hot dogs, but I have always maintained that it is crucial to allow people to make mistakes for themselves,” said God. He continued, “But in my infinite years of running the universe, I have never seen anybody make as many boneheaded mistakes as Brad. My only option was to take the wheel for a while.”<\/p>\n
The decision from God arrives mere minutes after Brad, thinking he was spraying air freshener, accidentally coated his bathroom in shaving cream. Not 2 days earlier, Brad showed off his Pokemon card collection on a first date.<\/p>\n
\u201cLook, I did my best to give him as many opportunities as possible, but no matter how hard I tried, he managed to mess it up! I dropped 2 tickets to the upcoming IU basketball game for him to find, and when he did, he not only drove to the wrong IU campus (Kokomo), but he got lost on the way there! Three hours later he was strolling around the Martinsville Wal-Mart at 3:00 a.m. wearing a Hillary Clinton t-shirt. I was so sick and tired of bailing him out; I realized it would just be easier if I took over. It would give him a chance to get his life in order, and recover from that brutal beating in the Wal-Mart parking lot.”<\/p>\n
According to Flipside reporters, Brad’s roommate, Cliff Sanford, was also getting tired of Brad’s poor decision-making.
\n\u201cLook, I love the guy like a brother, but there are times where I seriously regret living with him. Yesterday, I realized the TV wouldn\u2019t turn on because he replaced the batteries in the remote with Cheeto puffs, and you have no idea how many times I\u2019ve rescued him from microwaving Tide Pods thinking they were pizza rolls. He\u2019s not a stupid person–I\u2019ve had great conversations with him– but he can be so absent-minded sometimes, I think God made the right call for once.\u201d said Cliff.<\/p>\n
At press time, Heyward was singing hymns and wearing white robes as he cleaned the shaving cream off his bathroom walls.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By: Bismo Falcor BLOOMINGTON, IN — Following a series of outrageously stupid decisions, God has announced he will be temporarily suspending Junior Brad Heyward\u2019s right to free will. \u201cI\u2019ve witnessed […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":977,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-974","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-entertainment","has_thumb"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hoosierflipside.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/Control-The-Final-Frontier.jpg?fit=320%2C375&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7b5Hd-fI","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":496,"url":"https:\/\/hoosierflipside.com\/index.php\/2016\/11\/14\/top-7-bloomington-eats-for-when-that-fucking-fuckface-breaks-your-goddamn-heart\/","url_meta":{"origin":974,"position":0},"title":"Top 7 Bloomington Eats for when that Fucking Fuckface Breaks your Goddamn Heart","author":"Hoosier Flipside","date":"November 14, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By: Hermynn Bae Wells Square Donuts Let\u2019s be real, girl\u2014he was a square anyway. 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