By: Joe King

DES MOINES, IA — Following concerns of her health, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton assured voters that her fitness would not be an issue due to the extremely long lifespan of Lizard People. During a rally in the (human) city of Des Moines, Iowa, Clinton addressed the public:

“There is no need to worry about my health,” she hissed, “My species is known to live well up to five thousand Earth-years old, and I only just celebrated my sweet sixteen hundred! I’ve still got a couple more millennia in me before I completely shrivel up and become sustenance for our freshly-hatched young.”

“Reptilians, or Lizard People as they are commonly referred to,” Clinton’s physician explained, “are an ancient alien species from a faraway galaxy who have come to Earth in an attempt to dominate the planet.” The ear, nose, and scale doctor continued, “As a Lizard Person, Clinton has a prolonged lifespan and is actually more closely related to a venomous snake than to a human.”

Echid-na of the Nüwa Wadjet – or Hillary Clinton as she is known to Earthlings – is the leader of the most recent Reptilian invasion of our planet. She and the rest of her kind have disguised themselves as our political elite to gain our trust and eventually enslave us through the strategy known as “crony capitalism”.

“And finally, I and the rest of the Illumi-, I mean, Democratic Party greatly appreciate your support as we barely drag on through this tattering campaign,” Hillary Clinton declared, concluding her speech. Sources report that after her rally, the presidential candidate slithered back to her sewer base to molt off her outer shell, giving Clinton completely new skin, excuses for her email scandal, and opinions on immigration.