We’ve all been there: you’re feeling a little loose on the juice but everyone else has gone home. What else is there to do but pop open a new tab- on your web browser- and hit up Amazon.com for some regrettable drunk purchases? Well, if you’re anything like me, you skip Amazon, eBay, and etsy and go straight to the ultimate online shopping destination: the IU Surplus online auction page on GovDeals.com, where IU gets rid of stuff that’s outdated or broken but still has an aftermarket value above zero. I almost regret telling you about this, I don’t want to ruin the incredible prices and inventory they always have here. This place is like an adult toy store but with less dildos. What I’m trying to say is that you feel like you’re a child in a toy store when you browse IU Surplus absolutely schnockered off hard seltzer and spiked Baja Blast. This place has everything: Bulk cleaning supplies, rusty abandoned bikes, professional grade cooking appliances, old Dell Monitors from 2005, Bobby Knights’ used sweat towels, office chairs, old Dell monitors from 2012, the missing fish from Showalter fountain, used sweaty exercise bikes from the SRSC, old Dell monitors from 2009, and of course used cars from the University’s fleet.

Here are some of the craziest IU Surplus purchases I’ve woken up to discover after a night of drinking:

  • 1) Professional Grade Police Breathalyzer: At this price point you’d have to be drunk not to buy it. If you’ve ever wanted a breathalyzer before but have been deterred by negative reviews of cheaper consumer grade models online, this is a no-brainer. This is the machine they use to put drunk drivers behind bars, so it should be more than adequate for trying to see who can beat your post keg stand high score.
  • 2) Special Saw for Cutting off Casts: This one actually makes a lot of sense,  I had this really itchy cast on my foot and I just wanted it off but my doctor said two more weeks at minimum and if he’s not going to scratch that itch the least he can do is saw it off so I can but he was all like “that’s illegal” and I was all like “show me the law against letting a guy scratch his itch” and he was like “I don’t have to show you anything” and  I was like “ok I’ll just buy my own cast saw” and to be honest I was bluffing but then I saw this.
  • 3) Decommissioned Bus: Ok this one was definitely a mistake. I was really drunk that night and in the moment it felt like such a good idea but in the morning the totality of what I had just done really started to hit me like, um, a bus. First of all my landlord is a total narc about parking and I’m already using my one spot for a 2005 Honda Civic that I’ve barely paid off and now I’m supposed to find somewhere to put this thing? Also I guess you need a ‘special driver’s license to drive a giant bus? In America? The Land of the Free? Well according to a lawyer I found on Facebook Marketplace I don’t need a ‘CDL’ as long I keep it off the highways and only drive it in certain counties in Utah during a full moon. I’ve also explored turning it into an AirBnb because I’ve heard that people have done that with school buses and this is basically the same thing right?
  • 4) The Pizza Oven from Wright: When I was a wild and crazy freshman I used to always smash some of the za from the Wright food court with my boys when we didn’t want to splurge for real pizza. Once I moved out of the dorms, part of me actually missed that paint by numbers pizza, but I never actually wanted it enough to pay dining hall prices or make the trip. Then I got drunk and saw this listing and realized that for the low price of fifty bucks and ten feet of floor space I could make pizza whenever I wanted using the same oven, giving it that ‘Wright’ flavor. What I failed to consider is how hot most commercial pizza ovens get when operating. The first time I used it the heat in my apartment was so intense I had to open all the windows and strip down to my underwear, in February. Then I got a call from my upstairs neighbor because the ice cream in his freezer was melting even though the freezer is on and he’s asking me all these bullshit questions like “why is the paint sliding off the wall” and “why are the lights dimming every few minutes” and the worst part is when the pizza was done it didn’t even taste like the pizza from Wright. It actually tasted kind of good. What a waste.
  • 5) Tampon Vending Machines from Ballantine: It took me awhile to figure out why drunk me bought these, because I don’t have the right parts to need tampons and if anyone at my place needs them I’m not making them dig out a dirty ass quarter. Looking through the pictures, I am not sure what else- if anything- these could be used for, the inside storage space is so limited and, oh wait, I remember now. Yeah I’m not proud of this but drunk me thought it would be really funny to buy this as a place to keep my Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. This is the only thing I purchased that I’m going to return.