Op-Ed: I’m Ballantine Hall and I Hate You Too
By: Fredrick Venus Ever since some asshole in a philosophy class pondered the existence of consciousness in limestone and the professor’s head exploded, I poofed into existence. From that point…
How the Signs Will Be Spending Spring Break
By Robbie McMichael 1. Aries: you will be joining the military! What a better time than spring break to commit yourself to violent imperial expansion! 2. Taurus: you will be…
Climate Change, Schlimate Shange!: NASA to Move Earth into Jupiter’s Great Red Spot to Really Give Us Something to Bitch About
By: Jack Peebis Last week, in a rebuke to increasing climate change denial in Congress, leading NASA scientists unveiled a new potential solution to the problem: teleporting the entire planet…
BREAKING: Angry Students Hold Shit-In Demanding 2-Ply Toilet Paper
by Cleetus Haversham BLOOMINGTON - Today, bathroom stalls across campus for once are not full of people looking to expel the remnants of the morning coffee, but of angry students…
FEATURE: Meet Trapp McRobbie, Michael’s Shithead Son
by Robbie McMichael Introducing Trapp McRobbie “Winds in the East, mist coming inlike something is brewing and about to come ’t put me finger on what lies in storebut I…
Courageous Area Man Resolves to Continue Making Point Despite Realizing He’s Wrong
By: B. Snee “Hero is an awfully strong word” says Wit Sheperd, a local man who bravely marched forward after a local woman, Patty Smith, brutally ripped apart the very…
OP-ED: Who’s More Despicable: The Happy Fucks That Celebrate Valentine’s Day or the Miserable Fucks Who Tear It Down?
By: Janro Kreen It happens every year. Valentine's Day rears its head once more, splitting the rest of the world into one of two camps: the happy and the miserable.…
The Story of Saint Galentine
By: B. Snee While the patron saint and inspiration for the holiday Valentine's Day are generally well known, the inspirational story of Saint Galentine's quest for celebrating female friendship is…
IU Announces Ballantine Fence Expanding To Come Between You and Your Crush
By: Jones BLOOMINGTON, IN- The continuing construction near Ballantine hall is about to make students’ lives a bit more difficult, as IU announced today that the fence surrounding Ballantine will…
Orgy Etiquette Class Now in Session at Kinsey Institute
By: Fredrick Venus Last week, the Kinsey Institute began the first of a series of courses entitled "Common Ground on Reach Arounds: a Survey of Orgy Etiquette in the 21st…