By: Ted Winestock

Recent overnight appearances of mysterious messages on the sidewalks of campus have some students expecting the return of the noble and omniscient Jonny, which had been promised many years ago.

“Every day, we have awaited his return! For too long, we have been tormented by the demons lurking in the basement of Swain West, isolated by the feeble connectivity of IU Secure, and deflated by the stony-faced man leading P155 lectures,” said Lisa Bennett, a disciple of Jonny, carefully burying her sidewalk chalk, as instructed by him, to allow the life-dust to spill out and be reborn in a thousand years.

“It’s all working just as it had been foretold in a scraping above a desk on the 8th floor of the Wells Library stacks,” she continued. “As it was written, on the fourth of December, 1820, nearing the arrival of the bicentennial class, so too shall Jonny emerge from his bunker, buried deep beneath the current location of the Office of Graduate Studies, and he shall restore order to a chaotic world.

According to other members, since 1820, the followers of Jonny had kept their allegiances a secret, for fear of societal repercussions. Now, they have the confidence to share their story, and have begun testing the Indiana University community’s open-mindedness through their chalked messages.

When asked what Jonny’s doctrine was, Bennett stumbled over her words for a good forty-five seconds before deciding to recite them in the terms originally ordained by Jonny himself:

“The core belief is that as time is measured by the motion of energy and viewed through the four dimensional lens of beings imbued with a fear of death and processual perspective on life, we are inclined to disregard our oneness and universality, and transcend ego by way of a network of energy and possibility. As all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, we are all one consciousness, if the illusion of perception can so be called, simultaneously experiencing every subjectivity on a conscious, unconscious, and metaconscious level, transcending ego by-way-of a network of energy and possibility. Why? Because our very existence appears as a set of coordinate points on an endless cosmic plane, giving definition unto our lives. (Jonny 17:22). That is our doctrine, and I hope you agree.”

While some students have expressed curiosity in the existence and teachings of Jonny, Dennis Wade, a folklore major, was less interested.

He said, “Between classes, and my bullshit resume boosting internship, I have enough on my mind already. Do you think I have time or energy to decipher cryptic messages scrawled on the sidewalk?”

He continued, “I’m not angry, I’m just confused as to why somebody would leave us hanging like this.”