By: Fannie Wanker

Students and amateur climbers should expect changes following the discovery of a Lenovo Yoga 2 laptop, which contained Word documents of every one of Hillary Clinton’s emails, on the top floor of Ballantine Hall. Secret Service personnel and campus security have blocked off the ninth and tenth floors of the giant building until the investigation concludes.

The emails, which were thought to have been deleted, were discovered by IU freshman Tony Jones, who was reportedly doing make-up work for his rock climbing class, after sleeping through the midterm. Jones stated, “By the time I reached the top, I was so exhausted I could barely move.” He continued, quivering as he realized his discovery might alone be the reason for a Trump presidency, “When I saw the laptop at the top of the stairs, my first thought was that it was just a mirage due to dehydration. Then, I realized it was turned on, with a file labeled ‘Not at all Top Secret’ already on screen. I immediately called the police.”

With help from expert mountaineers, FBI personnel ascended to the top of the stairs. After passing a few corpses on the eighth and ninth floors, the team finally made it to the site, and confirmed that it was indeed Clinton’s laptop.

As the investigation continued, university representative Reginald Dunn issued the following statement:

“In a time of uncertainty, one thing cannot be refuted. If we don’t act soon, the top of the Ballantine Hall staircase will continue to serve as a safe space for politicians to conduct shady activities. It is for this reason that the staircase will now be destroyed, and replaced by a gym class climbing rope. If anyone is willing to risk their life, and can successfully climb that high, they deserve to be as corrupt as they want.”

Since the discovery, FBI director James Comey has been unavailable for comment.