By: Bismo Falcor

Following the high influx of students whose mental health has been destroyed by stress, Indiana University’s Counseling and Psychological Services has announced it will be simply handing out weed, instead of offering full scale counseling sessions.

“Our number one priority is to give every student the support they need, and right now, this is our only option. We simply don’t have the time to counsel every single student who needs help,” said Helen Wilson, head of CAPS. She continued, “We know it’s not necessarily legal, and we know we technically shouldn’t ‘condone’ it, but for many people it really helps. I mean, hell, smoking is the only reason I’ve made it through this mess.”

Since the decision was made late last night, students have been responding very positively, including ICORE student Tristian Ripley who stated, “The combination of my soulless classes, my demanding extracurricular activities, and, of course, the results of yesterday’s elections, I realized that the only answer was to turn to CAPS.” He continued, breathing a sigh of relief, “I’m really looking forward to the new initiative. I think it’d be pretty cool to just gather together and pass around a joint the size of a drainage pipe.”

When asked whether this would continue to be a viable option for the next four years, Wilson replied, “Hey, California just legalized it, how bad could it be?”